Worthwhile

My power word for today is "worthwhile". There's a lot packed into that small word. Worthwhile. This journey is worthwhile, it means something to me, it has value. I am worthwhile, I am special, I have value. Being healthier and losing weight is worthwhile, I'm achieving my goals, I'm giving value to those goals.

Last night I tried on two pairs of size 12 dress pants and they fit. Sure, they're still a little snug, and I have a theory that a size 12 today is closer to a size 14 ten years ago, but regardless, I could zip them up and not have to hold my breath. I was pretty amazed!

Today I stepped on the scales and saw a number that I had seen only once in the past, oh, at least 3-5 years or so. I was sure there was a mistake so I stepped off the scales, reset them, then stepped back on again. Same number. I stepped off, and this time I stepped back on with my other foot instead. Same number. I moved the scales around on the floor, stood a little closer to the front, and yet every single time of the 8 times I weighed myself this morning, it was. . .the. . . same. . .number.

While disbelief and just a tiny bit of excitement were there, the most prevalent emotion I found myself feeling was fear. I was shocked to realize that I didn't want to weigh the number I was seeing on those scales. I wasn't ready for that number. It wasn't me. Even though I had spent the last 15 years battling with my weight, now that I found myself squaring off with my enemy "failure" with a strong chance of winning I was suddenly scared of actually doing so.

I'm going to admit that over the past couple of months, as my weight has been dropping a lot slower than the first two months, I was actually not worried about the slow in pace. I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was, I knew I was getting healthier because of the food I chose to eat and the exercise I prioritized, so actually losing a lot of weight wasn't as important to me. I tried to focus on long-term sustainability of my lifestyle, rather than a sprint-and-burn approach to lifestyle change. I was happy with where I was.

Now I was still losing weight, don't get me wrong. The difference was that instead of losing 2 pounds a week, I had slowed to 2 pounds a month (still a healthy weight loss). I had started to mentally relegate myself to living in my "fat clothes" for awhile longer, and I think I had decided that maybe I was okay where I was now. I think I had decided that it wasn't going to work this time around either. Then I saw that number on the scales.

Even in the midst of my yo-yo dieting, I have grown comfortable with blending in and going unnoticed because of my weight. I was the classic excuser, I couldn't achieve any of my life goals because if I couldn't even manage something as little as my weight then how could I expect to do anything greater? I was still single because people only saw my weight instead of who I was as a person. I couldn't live a healthier life because my weight controlled my life instead of me controlling my weight.

Now the scales were telling me otherwise. They were saying, "You can do this. You are doing this! And if you keep on doing this, you will be successful." Those are words I'm not used to hearing. Now my friends will probably look at me incredulously, as I am a rather determined choleric, but reality is that I'm a dreamer who has all too many times seen those dreams shredded to bits. Then the sanguine side of me has taken those "detours" and "U-turns" and turned them into knells of finality. Every time I tried something and it didn't work out, I decided that nothing would ever work out. So when it came to being healthier, I had pretty much decided that I couldn't do it. Since I couldn't look like the models on the checkout magazine stands, I might as well not even try.

I'm learning to change those tapes in my head. I'm learning to recognize that my healthy lifestyle goal is valuable and it's because I am valuable. I'm learning that I can achieve my goals, but they take a whole lot more hard work, dedication, persistence, and patience than I cared to invest until 4 months ago. I'm learning to allow myself to dream again and this time to believe that those dreams can be realized.

Tomorrow I will step on those scales again. From past experience, my weight tends to plateau for about 3 weeks, then drop 2 or 3 pounds, go up a pound or two, then plateau again. So I'm expecting to see a higher number tomorrow, rather than lower. But it's okay. Because there's going to be another day when that number will go down, and then another one of those days, and then another. . . 

Walking Beside the Wagon

When I started exercising and eating super healthy 3+ months ago, I was excited to see the pounds dropping away. But the one thing I wasn't ready to give up was my weekly eating out. Unfortunately there have been a few more of those eating out occasions lately, along with holidays and all that. The weight loss has slowed drastically as well.

Happily, though, when I looked back over my log I realized that even though the loss is slow, it is still a LOSS!!! Losing 3 pounds a month is so much better than putting on 3 to 5 pounds a month, which is what I was doing, hence my predicament and need to make a serious lifestyle change.

The past month or so hasn't been the easiest. I will readily admit that I got discouraged several times, along with binging for a day or so. I kind of gave up, since the scales persisted in going up for about a week or so (ahem, due to eating out). So I was kind to myself emotionally and allowed myself to slip into familiar eating patterns for a day or two.

You know what I found out? I don't enjoy the foods I used to crave as much as I did before. I think my tastebuds are actually changing and I am learning to appreciate quality foods. It's been so much fun to have some free time to experiment and try different recipes, finding out what tastes good and what really doesn't work. It is hard to make really good tasting dishes without oil, so while I've stopped adding it to my food, I haven't completely eliminated it from my diet. I still enjoy a good piece of chocolate and jelly beans and pie (okay, so maybe it's my sweet tooth that hasn't changed quite yet!).

It's also neat to see how many more fruits & vegetables I'm incorporating into my diet. I've heard the word "volummetrics" being thrown around, and whenever I have a chance to, I try to fill out my plate with plenty of low-calorie food items. A fun breakfast or supper is a pita bread or whole grain sandwich roll stuffed with my vegenaise substitute, tofurky deli slices, and thick cucumber sticks with a huge handful of cherry tomatoes & green olives to munch on.

I had the goal to lose 20 pounds in 4 months, but sadly I will come short. It's okay, though. Because I will still have lost a substantial amount, and the exciting part is that by this time next year I shall have lost even more! And hopefully I shall be even healthier, fitter, and stronger than today. So yes, I've "fallen off the wagon" when it comes to adhering strictly to my diet. (I simply had to have the jumbo white chocolate peanut butter cup at Jelly Belly Factory!) But instead of getting back on, I'm just going to walk beside it. I'm going to take things slowly, but keep slogging along. Because that is the most important thing, after all. Remaining faithful to the journey.

Crunchy Chickpeas

Yay, I'm excited! I was watching Rachael Ray today, and a chef was showing her how to make quick easy snacks using the microwave. I tried the chickpea (garbanzo) recipe today and it worked out pretty good. Now I'm looking forward to trying the kale chips recipe, since kale chips are my new favorite (but expensive if bought in the store!) snack.

Crunchy Chickpeas

1. Preheat oven to 250 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Line baking tray with parchment paper.
3. Drain (& rinse) two cans of chickpeas. Shake dry. 
4. Spread in an even layer on baking tray.
5. Bake for 40 minutes.
6. Spray a microwaveable plate with cooking spray.
7. Place half the chickpeas on the plate, sprinkle seasonings generously, and mix.
8. Pop in microwave for 6 minutes.
9. Store in a glass jar or tin. 

Tips: Season with salt, cumin & garlic powder. The original recipe uses olive oil, but I'm trying to watch my calorie and oil intake, so I found the cooking spray worked just fine. It also called for an additional 4 minutes in the microwave on a paper-towel lined plate, but my microwave works really well, so the first batch (when I did the full 10 minutes) turned out pretty crunchy and a bit hard on the teeth. Tweak it according to your oven and microwave, and have fun with the seasonings! I'm interested in trying out these fun combos:

• Cinnamon & a dusting of powdered sugar?
• Curry powder
• Chili powder
• Agave syrup

Dropping Down

I stepped into a size 12 pair of black pants, held my breath, zipped them up, and exhaled. I could still breathe. And I smiled.

Today the scales were kind to me. I've set a rather impressive goal for myself, to reach in a little under a year's time, a goal weight that I can't remember seeing in at least 14 years. I'm kind of excited to see whether it is even possible, and who knows, maybe it will be!

Eating Right for Life

I am super excited! Yesterday I had my blood glucose checked and I am now officially out of the pre-diabetes danger zone! Three months ago, my fasting blood glucose was 104 and my 2-hour after eating breakfast blood glucose was 114. Yesterday my fasting blood glucose was 97 and my 2-hour after eating breakfast was 96!!! My doctor told me that the thing she was most concerned was the 2nd reading, because if it gradually went up, that would indicate increasing insulin resistance. To see a drop of 18 points is pretty amazing to me.

People ask me, "How do you do it?" I smile and reply, "Exercise, no oil, no sugar." They don't realize, of course, the royal battle I've had with myself, my stubborn tastebuds, and resistant brain cells to this change that had to happen. They haven't gotten up every single day (except Sabbaths) for the past three months, regardless of whether they got 6 hours or 7 hours of sleep the night before, regardless of the rain relentlessly pounding down (thankfully we've only had 3 of those days so far!) to get out there and walk an hour at a brisk pace. They haven't struggled to find recipes to create dishes that would be palatable, trying to find substitutes for the substitutes (tofu mayonnaise doesn't have the same taste as Vegenaise), and slogging in to town every three or four days to stock up on more fresh produce. They haven't felt hungry at 11 am, 4 pm, and 9 pm, frustrated because they didn't want to snack but upset because their stomach was hollower than a tree stump. They haven't sat and wondered if it really was worth it, when the blood glucose readings stayed the same, the number on the scales stayed the same, the bland food tasted the same, and nothing seemed to be working.

They haven't, but I have. I have seen 15 pounds disappear, inches walk off, and numbers come down! My stomach doesn't hurt because I ate too much for lunch, and I'm not reaching mindlessly for something to chew on as much anymore. I'm learning to substitute because I've spent a lifetime substituting, for a brother who couldn't eat nuts or dairy or eggs, substituting vegan ingredients for vegetarian, and now, oil & sugar free (for the most part!).

I will be the first to admit that this journey hasn't been easy and I haven't been perfect. I still have my one cheat meal, on Fridays when I go out to eat with friends. I am still figuring out how to do that and not mess up my plan to live healthier without having to frequent raw food cafes. I've found ethnic foods are a lifesaver, as their focus is on grains and vegetables rather than processed carbs and deep fried anything. Of course restaurants still use too much oil and salt, but I haven't reached the point yet where I'm ready to give this up.

Today we went to Olive Garden. I went online beforehand, read up on nutrition facts, and then wrote down what looked like a healthier menu option for me. I had a whole bowl of salad to myself (and those things are huge!), 1 breadstick, and 6 ravioli with sauce. I learned today to:

• Eat slowly, enjoy and savour your food along with the company
• Center your food around the lowest-calorie item, and treat the other parts of your dish as condiments
• Portion your food before you eat (split in half or two-thirds) and ask for a to-go bag
• Ask for dressing on the side (if you're eating with someone else) and lemon wedges to dress up the salad, along with a sprinkle of salt

The last time we went to my favourite Indian restaurant I admit I went a little nuts. I love their tamarind chutney, all their sauces and curries were not as spicy that day as they were before, they had plenty of fried puffed bread, and of course I had to have 4 balls of gulab jamun. (Please don't tell me how many calories are in one of those! I dread to look!). I didn't plan my meal carefully, so it consisted of oil, oil, and deep-fried oil.

I do plan on going back to an Indian restaurant, but this time rice will feature more prominently on my plate. I will have little bits of sauces & curries to accompany the rice, and then perhaps one gulab jamun. Because I still haven't reached the point where I want to give those up either!

I've been a little frustrated lately because the weight hasn't been dropping as fast as at the beginning. I'm realizing, though, that while I've changed about 90% of my diet, the other 10% (eating out) is still pretty consistently what I used to eat before. So I'm guessing that while I work on the things I mentioned above, I will also be working on figuring out how to eat out anywhere and leave the restaurant as healthy and happy as when I entered it.

But for now, I'm happy. I'm no longer pre-diabetic!

Breakfasts

I'm a sanguine, so unlike my uncle who diligently measures out his cereal in a weighing scale every morning, I get tired of routine in my meals pretty quickly. When I first started eating healthier, I had oatmeal for breakfast every single morning. I enjoyed it, at first, but then I got bored. I wanted variety but I wasn't sure how to get it while still eating things that were good for me. Here are some of the ideas I've come up with:

Rolled oats with unsweetened soymilk, berries, a few nuts, an apple or pear or banana, flaxmeal, wheatgerm, vanilla & cinnamon. Rolled oats are not broken down as much as quick oats, so they take longer to break down in your digestive system and keep your blood sugar more stable.

Mushroom, onion, polenta, bell pepper, spinach scramble with italian seasonings. It can double as a lunch dish as well.

Wholewheat pancakes with unsweetened soymilk, baking powder, a mashed banana if you like, vanilla, and a bit of maple syrup. Some recipes add apple cider vinegar, which thickens up the soymilk til it's like buttermilk, or throw in some oats. I love these with a fruit stew from frozen berries (try blueberries, strawberries, and mangoes) simmered in a pot on the stove with a bit of cornstarch, agave syrup, and a dash of nutmeg. 

Muffins with soy yogurt or a fruit smoothie.

Wholewheat pita bread with slices of avocado, English cucumber, and a dash of garlic powder.

Grapenuts cereal (did you know they don't have any sugar?) with vanilla soymilk (best if it's the sweetened kind), berries, a banana, and perhaps some honey if it needs a bit of sweetening.

Making a Switch

Today I'm going to write just a little about eating healthy. Three months ago, after talking to my doctor, doing several fasting blood sugar tests, and finding out I had the beginning signs of insulin resistance, I got scared enough into eating healthy and exercising regularly. Diabetes runs rampant on my paternal side of the family, along with obesity, and I wasn't about to get sucked into the expectation that I should inherit those disease as well. Besides, I absolutely hate needles and the thought of having to inject myself several times daily with insulin, if I should happen to develop diabetes, was a frightening thought. I decided cutting out certain foods, while not my ideal way to live, was much better than poking myself full of hole tattoes.

I found it rather challenging at first. Because I tend to take things very literally and adhere to rules and regulations almost fanatically, I immediately dropped anything that had the slightest hint of sugar or oil from my diet, and cut out all things high glycemic. Somehow I was worried that if I didn't make this change, I would develop diabetes instantaneously (not exactly sure how, since my body had managed to survive on an unhealthy diet thus far!). This left me with very few things to eat, which frustrated me. I had a chart from my doctor, and there were 3 columns, one of "things okay to eat" which included greens and citrus fruit and rye bread, one of "things that may be okay" which included wholewheat pasta, berries, and nuts, and one of "probably will cause a problem" which of course was oils, sugar, bread, dried fruits, bananas, and other such things. I was determined to stick with the appropriate diet, so I ate only the things from the "okay to eat" with very few items from the "may be okay". After about three days I was discouraged.

When I went to see my doctor again, she cheerfully asked how I was doing. My downcast face must have spoken more than I was comfortable sharing, but I finally said, "I'm not doing so well. I don't know what to eat! Can I eat peanut butter and honey? What about bread? And fruit?" We had a very helpful discussion about what kinds of foods to eat, she handed me a book called "The 30-Days Diabetes Miracle" and off I went to try to figure out how to eat healthily and sustain it long-term.

I was raised vegetarian and ate a pretty healthy diet, I think. In Africa we had ground grains for breakfast, cooked into a sort of porridge. In Egypt we ate a lot of wholewheat baladi (like pita bread) and fruits and vegetables. In Lebanon we enjoyed olives and cucumbers and labneh (like cream cheese). Then we came to America, where our diet became vegan out of necessity. I still ate cheese and eggs whenever I had the chance, but usually that was limited to eating out. Unfortunately, once I started buying my own food, I began to stock up on high carb/high sugar/high fat/highly processed things. I started trying to eat healthier a couple of years ago, but was never faced with the reality that I had to make some serious changes until three months ago.

At first I thought it was impossible to cook with no sugar or oil. I absolutely love the smell of frying onions, and when I first steamed onions in a bit of water instead, it was absolutely not interesting. I started to look for recipes and came across Neal Barnard's books. I went online to my local library, put all three of his books on hold, and proceeded to try making foods that were healthy and still tasted good. My whole family came on board and has been graciously eating oil-free lunches, enduring experiments and enjoying the things that work.

I'm pleased to say that I'm finally starting to figure things out. I'm trying out new recipes, reading up on how to eat healthy, and learning a lot about how the body works. The more I read, the more I am amazed at how our bodies handle all the stuff that goes into them, sifting through to find the nutrients, and creating energy and red blood cells and all the other bits and pieces we need to function. We have amazing bodies and an amazing Creator!

Worth It

So now that I'm back in the regular world of blogging again (it's wonderful!) let's catch up to where I'm at with the whole weight-loss thing.

Back in August, I stepped on the scales to see my all-time high. I shan't say what it was, but suffice to say it was once again near the 200 pound mark, so close in fact, that it wouldn't take much to push me up and over, something I wasn't too excited to see. I had been working for several months with a health & lifestyle training program that was just about to train their first set of students, and one of the goals was to have regular exercise incorporated into the daily schedule. Students would not only learn how to train others to live healthfully, they would practice the principles themselves. So my friend, my mom, and I decided to join in and exercise as well.

At first I think I didn't think this would last long. I've started countless weight-loss programs in the past, diets, exercise plans, you name it, and while I've seen results just as many times, those results were not permanent. After a week or two, sometimes a month or two if I was feeling particularly diligent, I would get discouraged when I hit a plateau, a friend would come to visit and we'd catch up on old times and favourite snack foods, my work would get stressful, or it would rain two days in a row and I'd stop exercising. I'd find myself throwing everything healthy out the window, retreating into my "who cares" attitude, and soon the pounds would be piling back on.

This time it's been different, though. Somehow it helps to have a support group, and all three of us, while we'd love to quit any given day if we were doing this on our own, somehow have realized that it really is a good idea to be healthy and exercise regularly, and we encourage each other to keep going. And yes, it has rained, but we pulled out sturdy rain gear, zipped up our coats to our chins and pulled the hoods down tight, and sloshed through puddles, braving the torrential downpours in the dark. And yes, it got too dark to walk on the trails, but we amended our route and pounded cement by the light of flickering streetlights, as we joined other devoted exercisers before the sun had thrown back its covers. And yes, there were days we went to bed far too late to be waking up so early, but we stumbled out anyhow, marching our requisite miles before a day filled with challenges.

And there have been amazing benefits. Our clothes fit better, we're losing pounds and inches, and we're feeling better too. Did you know that 10 minutes of exercise will boost your mood for 2 hours? Imagine what a whole hour will do! Our endurance has improved and our speed has increased and we're not quite as out of breath going up those hills as we used to be. I remember the first time I walked the trails, I was right behind my boss and friend for the first 10 minutes, but then I began to lose ground. It didn't help that my boss had super long legs and the energy of an Energizer bunny on caffeine. I was having a hard time breathing by the end of that 3-mile route, and my legs were ready to quit whether I was or not. I was happy to finish it in 54 minutes and pretty convinced there was no way I could improve my time.

Six days ago we walked that same path. I found myself out of breath but in a healthy way, my legs confidently carried me along, even up that steep hill at the end, and I finished the walk in 47 minutes. 47 minutes!!!

So I'm here to tell you it's not going to be easy. You'll probably want to quit 99 out of 100 times. You may wake up and think, "I'm just going to take it easy today, I'll walk tomorrow" and then tomorrow seems to disappear. But it's going to be worth it. Why is it that things which are worth it often require a lot of extra effort? I haven't figured that out yet. But I do know that for me, if I want to realize my goals of becoming a healthier person, I have to keep at it. For the rest of my life. Because I'm worth it.

Oh yes, and as of today I've lost 15 pounds in 12 weeks!!!

Taking Care of Who's Important

Finally I have my own laptop again and the internet is actually working, and I have some time to write! Okay, so here's where we're at since my last post. I lost weight, I put it back on with a couple of pounds of reinforcements (what can I say? I'm a social person, even my fat loves company!), due to environmental stress and being a stress-eater. Then I changed jobs (still trying to move past the whole "loser" status of only working part-time to the "I'm proud of you for quitting and taking care of your health rather than allowing yourself to remain in an abusive situation" mindset). Finally decided to take advantage of the wellness program I was working with and get myself healthy physically as well. That was two and a half months ago and I'm really grateful I did. I've begun to lose the weight I put back on and am feeling healthier and more in control of my life not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally too. Like most self-diagnosed and happily-professed British "basket-cases" out there, I still have aways to go, but I'm much happier with myself where I am now than where I was a year ago.

I'm learning that one's physical health really is important. About a year ago I started having muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck and head, headaches, rapid heartbeat, feeling dizzy, extreme anxiety, difficulty sleeping at night, high blood pressure, and panic attacks. Unfortunately, being the stoic quarter German that I am, I attributed it to a period of high stress and figured it would all go away in a while. I had a low grade fever for about a week and thought perhaps my immune system was run down and with a bit of extra sleep I would be and running in no time. Three months later I was starting to get worried. I wasn't feeling better, and now my ears were ringing as well. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but the two doctors I saw happily placed the generic "stress" label on my file and sent me on my way with reams of lifestyle treatment suggestions. I tried them, but by this time I think it was a little late to have much of an effect. My period of high stress had extended and exacerbated and I was having more frequent confrontations at work which was difficult for me because I'm not a confrontational type of person.

One day I was watching Dr. Phil and he said, "the only thing worse than being in an abusive situation for a year is being in an abusive situation for a year and a day." I knew then that I was free to leave. So I left. Six months after the physical symptoms of stress had flooded my system, I got up and walked out. Again I figured that now I was out of the situation, things would calm down and I would start sleeping properly again and be just fine in a couple of weeks. I knew I had been slowly getting better, the headaches & dizziness were gone, the anxiety wasn't as bad, and the heartbeat had slowed down. I was wrong.

It's been a year, and only now can I sit on my couch in the middle of the day and not feel my shoulders shuddering continuously. Only now am I calm, knowing an anxiety or panic attack won't come out of nowhere, only now has the blood pressure returned to normal. It has taken a full year to reach the point that I feel confident that my health is on the right track again and that I will be back to normal again soon. It has also taken me that long to recognize the detrimental effects that stress can have on one's physical health, and to acknowledge that it is not worth it. It is better to live on a very small paycheck, or to work in a menial job, than it is to work in a situation where stress takes such a drastic toll on your health.

Being healthy has really helped me to regain my health. I walk an hour every morning, six days a week. I've cut oil and sugar down to a bare minimum and am eating as healthy as possible. I've had to make some dietary changes because my fasting blood sugar was edging past normal, but it has been beneficial for me all around. The most exciting part about getting healthy again is that now I'm learning to make it a lifestyle, instead of a diet. The most challenging part about it is that I'm learning to make it a lifestyle and not a diet! I'm taking time for me now, to journal, to prepare healthy meals, to get enough sleep, to spend time getting to know God (see my RandomRamblinz blog), to hang out with my friends regularly. I'm giving myself permission to say No to job offers that seem lucrative but I know would send me right back into a stressful environment and I'm learning to trust that God will take care of me, as I have seen Him doing.

As women it is easy sometimes to focus on making sure that everyone else around us is okay, and forget to make sure that we are okay too. We need to recognize though that we are as important as everyone else, and that it's okay to be sure that our needs are being met as well. I know I've learned a lot in this past year, and while I am still hesitant to place a priority on my health, I am recognizing the value of being healthy and learning that I can take care of me because I'm important too!

Little Bit By Little Bit

Stepped on the scales today and was pleasantly pleased to see that my weight has managed to keep within a certain range for the past month or so. A friend asked me yesterday if I was losing weight, I smiled and said, "trying to." In all honesty, I haven't been trying too hard the past few weeks, but what I have been doing is trying to revamp my eating habits. Unfortunately, I picked up really poor habits over the years; stress-eating, living on my own, traveling, and eating out regularly were some of the factors in my habits.

There really isn't any secret or magic key to losing weight, you know. It's basically a lot of hard work, patience, and persistence. If you have quite a few good days and a couple of bad days, it's easier to keep going. Keep working at it to find what works for you, because everyone is different. Learn to listen to your body and what it needs, but recognize that it may be screaming for the wrong thing (ie. sugar) and need to be retrained. Exercise and eat healthy, but don't make it a religion or you may find yourself quickly becoming a legalistic person who has no room for mistakes.

It's taken me, oh, I don't know, at least two years to get to the point where I am today. I know I can be healthier and I need to keep working on it, but I'm grateful that I'm moving towards health rather than losing myself in doughnuts and brownies. I'm not sure I'll ever reach "perfection" as the world defines it, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to value health and what it means for my future.