Taking Care of Who's Important

Finally I have my own laptop again and the internet is actually working, and I have some time to write! Okay, so here's where we're at since my last post. I lost weight, I put it back on with a couple of pounds of reinforcements (what can I say? I'm a social person, even my fat loves company!), due to environmental stress and being a stress-eater. Then I changed jobs (still trying to move past the whole "loser" status of only working part-time to the "I'm proud of you for quitting and taking care of your health rather than allowing yourself to remain in an abusive situation" mindset). Finally decided to take advantage of the wellness program I was working with and get myself healthy physically as well. That was two and a half months ago and I'm really grateful I did. I've begun to lose the weight I put back on and am feeling healthier and more in control of my life not just physically, but also spiritually and emotionally too. Like most self-diagnosed and happily-professed British "basket-cases" out there, I still have aways to go, but I'm much happier with myself where I am now than where I was a year ago.

I'm learning that one's physical health really is important. About a year ago I started having muscle spasms in my shoulders and neck and head, headaches, rapid heartbeat, feeling dizzy, extreme anxiety, difficulty sleeping at night, high blood pressure, and panic attacks. Unfortunately, being the stoic quarter German that I am, I attributed it to a period of high stress and figured it would all go away in a while. I had a low grade fever for about a week and thought perhaps my immune system was run down and with a bit of extra sleep I would be and running in no time. Three months later I was starting to get worried. I wasn't feeling better, and now my ears were ringing as well. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but the two doctors I saw happily placed the generic "stress" label on my file and sent me on my way with reams of lifestyle treatment suggestions. I tried them, but by this time I think it was a little late to have much of an effect. My period of high stress had extended and exacerbated and I was having more frequent confrontations at work which was difficult for me because I'm not a confrontational type of person.

One day I was watching Dr. Phil and he said, "the only thing worse than being in an abusive situation for a year is being in an abusive situation for a year and a day." I knew then that I was free to leave. So I left. Six months after the physical symptoms of stress had flooded my system, I got up and walked out. Again I figured that now I was out of the situation, things would calm down and I would start sleeping properly again and be just fine in a couple of weeks. I knew I had been slowly getting better, the headaches & dizziness were gone, the anxiety wasn't as bad, and the heartbeat had slowed down. I was wrong.

It's been a year, and only now can I sit on my couch in the middle of the day and not feel my shoulders shuddering continuously. Only now am I calm, knowing an anxiety or panic attack won't come out of nowhere, only now has the blood pressure returned to normal. It has taken a full year to reach the point that I feel confident that my health is on the right track again and that I will be back to normal again soon. It has also taken me that long to recognize the detrimental effects that stress can have on one's physical health, and to acknowledge that it is not worth it. It is better to live on a very small paycheck, or to work in a menial job, than it is to work in a situation where stress takes such a drastic toll on your health.

Being healthy has really helped me to regain my health. I walk an hour every morning, six days a week. I've cut oil and sugar down to a bare minimum and am eating as healthy as possible. I've had to make some dietary changes because my fasting blood sugar was edging past normal, but it has been beneficial for me all around. The most exciting part about getting healthy again is that now I'm learning to make it a lifestyle, instead of a diet. The most challenging part about it is that I'm learning to make it a lifestyle and not a diet! I'm taking time for me now, to journal, to prepare healthy meals, to get enough sleep, to spend time getting to know God (see my RandomRamblinz blog), to hang out with my friends regularly. I'm giving myself permission to say No to job offers that seem lucrative but I know would send me right back into a stressful environment and I'm learning to trust that God will take care of me, as I have seen Him doing.

As women it is easy sometimes to focus on making sure that everyone else around us is okay, and forget to make sure that we are okay too. We need to recognize though that we are as important as everyone else, and that it's okay to be sure that our needs are being met as well. I know I've learned a lot in this past year, and while I am still hesitant to place a priority on my health, I am recognizing the value of being healthy and learning that I can take care of me because I'm important too!