Worthwhile

My power word for today is "worthwhile". There's a lot packed into that small word. Worthwhile. This journey is worthwhile, it means something to me, it has value. I am worthwhile, I am special, I have value. Being healthier and losing weight is worthwhile, I'm achieving my goals, I'm giving value to those goals.

Last night I tried on two pairs of size 12 dress pants and they fit. Sure, they're still a little snug, and I have a theory that a size 12 today is closer to a size 14 ten years ago, but regardless, I could zip them up and not have to hold my breath. I was pretty amazed!

Today I stepped on the scales and saw a number that I had seen only once in the past, oh, at least 3-5 years or so. I was sure there was a mistake so I stepped off the scales, reset them, then stepped back on again. Same number. I stepped off, and this time I stepped back on with my other foot instead. Same number. I moved the scales around on the floor, stood a little closer to the front, and yet every single time of the 8 times I weighed myself this morning, it was. . .the. . . same. . .number.

While disbelief and just a tiny bit of excitement were there, the most prevalent emotion I found myself feeling was fear. I was shocked to realize that I didn't want to weigh the number I was seeing on those scales. I wasn't ready for that number. It wasn't me. Even though I had spent the last 15 years battling with my weight, now that I found myself squaring off with my enemy "failure" with a strong chance of winning I was suddenly scared of actually doing so.

I'm going to admit that over the past couple of months, as my weight has been dropping a lot slower than the first two months, I was actually not worried about the slow in pace. I was starting to feel more comfortable with who I was, I knew I was getting healthier because of the food I chose to eat and the exercise I prioritized, so actually losing a lot of weight wasn't as important to me. I tried to focus on long-term sustainability of my lifestyle, rather than a sprint-and-burn approach to lifestyle change. I was happy with where I was.

Now I was still losing weight, don't get me wrong. The difference was that instead of losing 2 pounds a week, I had slowed to 2 pounds a month (still a healthy weight loss). I had started to mentally relegate myself to living in my "fat clothes" for awhile longer, and I think I had decided that maybe I was okay where I was now. I think I had decided that it wasn't going to work this time around either. Then I saw that number on the scales.

Even in the midst of my yo-yo dieting, I have grown comfortable with blending in and going unnoticed because of my weight. I was the classic excuser, I couldn't achieve any of my life goals because if I couldn't even manage something as little as my weight then how could I expect to do anything greater? I was still single because people only saw my weight instead of who I was as a person. I couldn't live a healthier life because my weight controlled my life instead of me controlling my weight.

Now the scales were telling me otherwise. They were saying, "You can do this. You are doing this! And if you keep on doing this, you will be successful." Those are words I'm not used to hearing. Now my friends will probably look at me incredulously, as I am a rather determined choleric, but reality is that I'm a dreamer who has all too many times seen those dreams shredded to bits. Then the sanguine side of me has taken those "detours" and "U-turns" and turned them into knells of finality. Every time I tried something and it didn't work out, I decided that nothing would ever work out. So when it came to being healthier, I had pretty much decided that I couldn't do it. Since I couldn't look like the models on the checkout magazine stands, I might as well not even try.

I'm learning to change those tapes in my head. I'm learning to recognize that my healthy lifestyle goal is valuable and it's because I am valuable. I'm learning that I can achieve my goals, but they take a whole lot more hard work, dedication, persistence, and patience than I cared to invest until 4 months ago. I'm learning to allow myself to dream again and this time to believe that those dreams can be realized.

Tomorrow I will step on those scales again. From past experience, my weight tends to plateau for about 3 weeks, then drop 2 or 3 pounds, go up a pound or two, then plateau again. So I'm expecting to see a higher number tomorrow, rather than lower. But it's okay. Because there's going to be another day when that number will go down, and then another one of those days, and then another. . .