Losing It All

So. . .I'm back to the "no desserts, except on Sabbaths and special occasions." Those special occasions are birthdays, weddings, baby showers, and other such like events. They do not include any of the following: good days, bad days, days when it's sunny, days when it rains, stressful days, frustrating days, or days when I want to eat sugar (which is most any day).

Did I write about my most recent absolutely awesome and amazing discovery? I couldn't believe it myself, when I found it on the shelves in Whole Foods, but it was real. Vegenaise made from flaxseed oil. It's packed with omega 3's and best of all. . . .drum roll. . . .it only has 45 calories per tablespoon! I have absolutely no idea how they managed to make such a great tasting vegenaise with only 45 calories per serving, but I'm not asking! (and I'm also hoping it's not a typo on the label!) Now I can enjoy all my favourite combinations of salty sandwiches without worrying about the calories. My other favourite spread, with jam on a Ryvita cracker, is Tofutti sour cream. That is only 40 calories per tablespoon and it is absolutely delicious.

I've started doing some exercise in the evening as well. After a friend came to visit and I enjoyed a week of no food restrictions and no regular exercise, I put on about 3 pounds. I was rather disappointed in myself (but still unregretful that I ate such lovely food!) and decided to get back on board with my lifestyle change plan. Despite several painful blisters and sore leg and hip muscles, I still managed to walk the 6 rounds each morning this week. I even did two evenings of walking as well! During the day, I hobbled about in the office, but somehow I managed to battle through the discomfort and with cotton wool and Johnson & Johnson plasters, I bandaged up the blisters and charged about the loop at 6 am each day.

The scales are going back down again, ever so slowly. Sometimes I get really frustrated, especially when I think about how I've been trying to live healthy and exercise and eat right and I can only see incremental changes on those digital scales. But then I think about how I really do want to lose weight and feel better about myself and my body, and how everything that is worth something comes with much effort, and I take a second (or third or fourth!) look at my goal and set off, one painful step at a time, towards those elusive numbers on the scales.

I wonder if, when I reach those numbers, I will feel like I have made it? I know I will be excited, as I reach my first, then second, and finally my final weight-loss goal. I hope that I don't get so relaxed that I decide to revert to old eating habits and pack on all the pounds again. It would really be sad if that happened; all that hard work for nothing. But somehow I think it won't. I think I know now why it takes so long to properly lose weight. It's because it isn't just about the physical weight. It's about the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual weight as well.

As I continue on this journey to complete wholeness, I recognize that I am slowly shedding old habits along the way, like a snake wriggles out of his winter skin or a butterfly struggles to free itself from the cocoon. For example, I used to think that it didn't matter what I put in my body, what mattered was what felt good on the tongue and gave me that sugar high I so badly craved. Now, when I pick up something in the grocery store and start to read a list of ingredients longer than my shopping list for the month, I put it right back on the shelf. I don't want all those chemicals going into my body! However, I will also admit that this too, is a journey of learning. I haven't quite relinquished my hold on certain foods that I know are more harmful than helpful to my body, but I'm working on that.

I used to think that eating healthy was boring and took too much time and effort. I thought that I had to eat the exact same thing every day, that oatmeal was the only healthy breakfast food, and that any kind of fat was prohibited. I've learned that eating healthy can often be quicker, cheaper, and more fun than grabbing junk food to snack on. I enjoy being creative and love cooking, so I experiment with different recipes to find things that I like to eat. Since I hate oatmeal, I eat bread for breakfast. Fats in a moderate amount are good and healthy and keep me from binging. (still working on the moderate part!)

I was addicted to food. Vegenaise, brownie bites, cheese pizza, sour cream potato chips, Reese's peanut butter cups, and cheddar cheese were some of my favourite foods. When I reached for the food and stuffed it in my mouth, I felt better inside. I knew that I was eating too much, that it wasn't healthy for me, and that I would probably feel uncomfortably full and lethargic after I ate, but I didn't care. I just reached for the next handful of potato chips. I would alternate sweet and salty so I could eat more. I would stay up late so I could have a 4th meal. An entire meal could consist of cheddar cheese sticks dipped in vegenaise, accompanied by brownie bites slathered in chocolate frosting. Even as I type this, my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could eat those foods right now. But I recognize that it wasn't healthy and that my emotional connection to the food was stronger than my need to be physically fed.

The spiritual weight loss is probably the hardest of all. For a great portion of my mid to late teen years and early twenties, I was under the conviction that I had to be perfect in all things for God to fully love me and reward me with the things He gave everyone else, who was already perfect. I will be the first to admit that this is false reasoning and that I still struggle with trying to live up a certain standard that I feel I will never reach, even with God's help. One of the most important areas I had to be perfect in was my weight.

Of course, many women struggle with their weight, so it's not a novel story. However, I just knew that I was disappointing God because I couldn't get ahold of my food addiction. He didn't approve of my behaviour and so He went off and left me, with my hand deep in the cookie jar. I felt like I let Him down and like I could never be good enough for Him to love me. If I was only my perfect weight, as determined by the weight charts in every health book I'd ever read, then I would have achieved it and I would make Him happy.

I'm learning now that God loves me for who I am. I'm almost afraid to say it; I feel like maybe I should whisper it. Because aren't we taught all our lives that "God loves you as you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there," and therefore we can draw the conclusion that while God may love me, He will love me only until I recognize that I need to change, and then His love will be conditional upon my changing? I know this too is false reasoning, and yet, somehow it seems to make perfect sense. If I don't do what I know I should be doing, again, God will have to withdraw His love from me until I have gotten my act together, right?

Wrong. God loves me whether I weigh 450 pounds or 150 pounds. His love is unconditional, everlasting, and deeper and wider than I can even fathom. He wants what is best for me, and being a healthy weight is what is best for me, but even as I struggle my way towards that, He is cheering me on, excited to see the progress I have made. He loves me even when I eat that extra slice of cheesecake, even when I have a snack that turns into a meal just before I go to bed, even when I skip my morning exercise, and even when I give up and decide to just eat for 3 days straight. God loves me because He is love. Not because I'm perfect. (because I'm not)

It's a journey. Most of the journey is walked with weary steps but ultimately, what counts is that those steps are taken. And one day, the results shall be seen.