This week I managed to come down with a miserable head cold, the first of the season. But one reason I am grateful for colds is that they give you a kick start to losing several pounds at once. (Am still trying to figure out how to keep those pounds off once you start eating again!!!) So the scales obliged, and I was pleased, but I think it's a bit of everything this week. I've started doing a bit of exercise in the evening as well and now I'm trying to cook up a large soup in my slow cooker on Sundays for supper during the week.
I'm really quite pleased at how it is working out, especially since just six months ago the very thought of daily exercise was about as exciting as eating boiled eggplant with no seasoning. Simply put, my sleep was a bigger priority than my health. Now I've switched it up and have made my morning exercise a priority. Even if I only get 6.5 hours of sleep at night, I still drag myself out of bed at 6 am, lace up my clunky hiking boots, and hit that cement path for an hour. It might take twenty minutes for my eyes to open fully, but that's okay. I can stumble about the loop easily enough!
I guess I've just made my morning exercise a part of my daily routine. It is as regular as drinking my morning water, brushing my teeth, and combing my hair. It is just something that has to be done, whether I like it or not, and so I do it. But I only require myself to go 5 days a week. Perhaps it isn't the best plan in the world, but the weekend is my time off. I can relax a little, have some sweet treats, and get my exercise from 8-hour marathons when I go grocery shopping!
It is a slow and tedious process. . .this whole trying to be a healthier person journey. But today I looked in the mirror, and those stretch marks were starting to fade, and I could see my waist again, and I was excited! I think I'm finally finding me again. I just wonder why it took so long?
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Losing It All
So. . .I'm back to the "no desserts, except on Sabbaths and special occasions." Those special occasions are birthdays, weddings, baby showers, and other such like events. They do not include any of the following: good days, bad days, days when it's sunny, days when it rains, stressful days, frustrating days, or days when I want to eat sugar (which is most any day).
Did I write about my most recent absolutely awesome and amazing discovery? I couldn't believe it myself, when I found it on the shelves in Whole Foods, but it was real. Vegenaise made from flaxseed oil. It's packed with omega 3's and best of all. . . .drum roll. . . .it only has 45 calories per tablespoon! I have absolutely no idea how they managed to make such a great tasting vegenaise with only 45 calories per serving, but I'm not asking! (and I'm also hoping it's not a typo on the label!) Now I can enjoy all my favourite combinations of salty sandwiches without worrying about the calories. My other favourite spread, with jam on a Ryvita cracker, is Tofutti sour cream. That is only 40 calories per tablespoon and it is absolutely delicious.
I've started doing some exercise in the evening as well. After a friend came to visit and I enjoyed a week of no food restrictions and no regular exercise, I put on about 3 pounds. I was rather disappointed in myself (but still unregretful that I ate such lovely food!) and decided to get back on board with my lifestyle change plan. Despite several painful blisters and sore leg and hip muscles, I still managed to walk the 6 rounds each morning this week. I even did two evenings of walking as well! During the day, I hobbled about in the office, but somehow I managed to battle through the discomfort and with cotton wool and Johnson & Johnson plasters, I bandaged up the blisters and charged about the loop at 6 am each day.
The scales are going back down again, ever so slowly. Sometimes I get really frustrated, especially when I think about how I've been trying to live healthy and exercise and eat right and I can only see incremental changes on those digital scales. But then I think about how I really do want to lose weight and feel better about myself and my body, and how everything that is worth something comes with much effort, and I take a second (or third or fourth!) look at my goal and set off, one painful step at a time, towards those elusive numbers on the scales.
I wonder if, when I reach those numbers, I will feel like I have made it? I know I will be excited, as I reach my first, then second, and finally my final weight-loss goal. I hope that I don't get so relaxed that I decide to revert to old eating habits and pack on all the pounds again. It would really be sad if that happened; all that hard work for nothing. But somehow I think it won't. I think I know now why it takes so long to properly lose weight. It's because it isn't just about the physical weight. It's about the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual weight as well.
As I continue on this journey to complete wholeness, I recognize that I am slowly shedding old habits along the way, like a snake wriggles out of his winter skin or a butterfly struggles to free itself from the cocoon. For example, I used to think that it didn't matter what I put in my body, what mattered was what felt good on the tongue and gave me that sugar high I so badly craved. Now, when I pick up something in the grocery store and start to read a list of ingredients longer than my shopping list for the month, I put it right back on the shelf. I don't want all those chemicals going into my body! However, I will also admit that this too, is a journey of learning. I haven't quite relinquished my hold on certain foods that I know are more harmful than helpful to my body, but I'm working on that.
I used to think that eating healthy was boring and took too much time and effort. I thought that I had to eat the exact same thing every day, that oatmeal was the only healthy breakfast food, and that any kind of fat was prohibited. I've learned that eating healthy can often be quicker, cheaper, and more fun than grabbing junk food to snack on. I enjoy being creative and love cooking, so I experiment with different recipes to find things that I like to eat. Since I hate oatmeal, I eat bread for breakfast. Fats in a moderate amount are good and healthy and keep me from binging. (still working on the moderate part!)
I was addicted to food. Vegenaise, brownie bites, cheese pizza, sour cream potato chips, Reese's peanut butter cups, and cheddar cheese were some of my favourite foods. When I reached for the food and stuffed it in my mouth, I felt better inside. I knew that I was eating too much, that it wasn't healthy for me, and that I would probably feel uncomfortably full and lethargic after I ate, but I didn't care. I just reached for the next handful of potato chips. I would alternate sweet and salty so I could eat more. I would stay up late so I could have a 4th meal. An entire meal could consist of cheddar cheese sticks dipped in vegenaise, accompanied by brownie bites slathered in chocolate frosting. Even as I type this, my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could eat those foods right now. But I recognize that it wasn't healthy and that my emotional connection to the food was stronger than my need to be physically fed.
The spiritual weight loss is probably the hardest of all. For a great portion of my mid to late teen years and early twenties, I was under the conviction that I had to be perfect in all things for God to fully love me and reward me with the things He gave everyone else, who was already perfect. I will be the first to admit that this is false reasoning and that I still struggle with trying to live up a certain standard that I feel I will never reach, even with God's help. One of the most important areas I had to be perfect in was my weight.
Of course, many women struggle with their weight, so it's not a novel story. However, I just knew that I was disappointing God because I couldn't get ahold of my food addiction. He didn't approve of my behaviour and so He went off and left me, with my hand deep in the cookie jar. I felt like I let Him down and like I could never be good enough for Him to love me. If I was only my perfect weight, as determined by the weight charts in every health book I'd ever read, then I would have achieved it and I would make Him happy.
I'm learning now that God loves me for who I am. I'm almost afraid to say it; I feel like maybe I should whisper it. Because aren't we taught all our lives that "God loves you as you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there," and therefore we can draw the conclusion that while God may love me, He will love me only until I recognize that I need to change, and then His love will be conditional upon my changing? I know this too is false reasoning, and yet, somehow it seems to make perfect sense. If I don't do what I know I should be doing, again, God will have to withdraw His love from me until I have gotten my act together, right?
Wrong. God loves me whether I weigh 450 pounds or 150 pounds. His love is unconditional, everlasting, and deeper and wider than I can even fathom. He wants what is best for me, and being a healthy weight is what is best for me, but even as I struggle my way towards that, He is cheering me on, excited to see the progress I have made. He loves me even when I eat that extra slice of cheesecake, even when I have a snack that turns into a meal just before I go to bed, even when I skip my morning exercise, and even when I give up and decide to just eat for 3 days straight. God loves me because He is love. Not because I'm perfect. (because I'm not)
It's a journey. Most of the journey is walked with weary steps but ultimately, what counts is that those steps are taken. And one day, the results shall be seen.
Did I write about my most recent absolutely awesome and amazing discovery? I couldn't believe it myself, when I found it on the shelves in Whole Foods, but it was real. Vegenaise made from flaxseed oil. It's packed with omega 3's and best of all. . . .drum roll. . . .it only has 45 calories per tablespoon! I have absolutely no idea how they managed to make such a great tasting vegenaise with only 45 calories per serving, but I'm not asking! (and I'm also hoping it's not a typo on the label!) Now I can enjoy all my favourite combinations of salty sandwiches without worrying about the calories. My other favourite spread, with jam on a Ryvita cracker, is Tofutti sour cream. That is only 40 calories per tablespoon and it is absolutely delicious.
I've started doing some exercise in the evening as well. After a friend came to visit and I enjoyed a week of no food restrictions and no regular exercise, I put on about 3 pounds. I was rather disappointed in myself (but still unregretful that I ate such lovely food!) and decided to get back on board with my lifestyle change plan. Despite several painful blisters and sore leg and hip muscles, I still managed to walk the 6 rounds each morning this week. I even did two evenings of walking as well! During the day, I hobbled about in the office, but somehow I managed to battle through the discomfort and with cotton wool and Johnson & Johnson plasters, I bandaged up the blisters and charged about the loop at 6 am each day.
The scales are going back down again, ever so slowly. Sometimes I get really frustrated, especially when I think about how I've been trying to live healthy and exercise and eat right and I can only see incremental changes on those digital scales. But then I think about how I really do want to lose weight and feel better about myself and my body, and how everything that is worth something comes with much effort, and I take a second (or third or fourth!) look at my goal and set off, one painful step at a time, towards those elusive numbers on the scales.
I wonder if, when I reach those numbers, I will feel like I have made it? I know I will be excited, as I reach my first, then second, and finally my final weight-loss goal. I hope that I don't get so relaxed that I decide to revert to old eating habits and pack on all the pounds again. It would really be sad if that happened; all that hard work for nothing. But somehow I think it won't. I think I know now why it takes so long to properly lose weight. It's because it isn't just about the physical weight. It's about the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual weight as well.
As I continue on this journey to complete wholeness, I recognize that I am slowly shedding old habits along the way, like a snake wriggles out of his winter skin or a butterfly struggles to free itself from the cocoon. For example, I used to think that it didn't matter what I put in my body, what mattered was what felt good on the tongue and gave me that sugar high I so badly craved. Now, when I pick up something in the grocery store and start to read a list of ingredients longer than my shopping list for the month, I put it right back on the shelf. I don't want all those chemicals going into my body! However, I will also admit that this too, is a journey of learning. I haven't quite relinquished my hold on certain foods that I know are more harmful than helpful to my body, but I'm working on that.
I used to think that eating healthy was boring and took too much time and effort. I thought that I had to eat the exact same thing every day, that oatmeal was the only healthy breakfast food, and that any kind of fat was prohibited. I've learned that eating healthy can often be quicker, cheaper, and more fun than grabbing junk food to snack on. I enjoy being creative and love cooking, so I experiment with different recipes to find things that I like to eat. Since I hate oatmeal, I eat bread for breakfast. Fats in a moderate amount are good and healthy and keep me from binging. (still working on the moderate part!)
I was addicted to food. Vegenaise, brownie bites, cheese pizza, sour cream potato chips, Reese's peanut butter cups, and cheddar cheese were some of my favourite foods. When I reached for the food and stuffed it in my mouth, I felt better inside. I knew that I was eating too much, that it wasn't healthy for me, and that I would probably feel uncomfortably full and lethargic after I ate, but I didn't care. I just reached for the next handful of potato chips. I would alternate sweet and salty so I could eat more. I would stay up late so I could have a 4th meal. An entire meal could consist of cheddar cheese sticks dipped in vegenaise, accompanied by brownie bites slathered in chocolate frosting. Even as I type this, my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could eat those foods right now. But I recognize that it wasn't healthy and that my emotional connection to the food was stronger than my need to be physically fed.
The spiritual weight loss is probably the hardest of all. For a great portion of my mid to late teen years and early twenties, I was under the conviction that I had to be perfect in all things for God to fully love me and reward me with the things He gave everyone else, who was already perfect. I will be the first to admit that this is false reasoning and that I still struggle with trying to live up a certain standard that I feel I will never reach, even with God's help. One of the most important areas I had to be perfect in was my weight.
Of course, many women struggle with their weight, so it's not a novel story. However, I just knew that I was disappointing God because I couldn't get ahold of my food addiction. He didn't approve of my behaviour and so He went off and left me, with my hand deep in the cookie jar. I felt like I let Him down and like I could never be good enough for Him to love me. If I was only my perfect weight, as determined by the weight charts in every health book I'd ever read, then I would have achieved it and I would make Him happy.
I'm learning now that God loves me for who I am. I'm almost afraid to say it; I feel like maybe I should whisper it. Because aren't we taught all our lives that "God loves you as you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there," and therefore we can draw the conclusion that while God may love me, He will love me only until I recognize that I need to change, and then His love will be conditional upon my changing? I know this too is false reasoning, and yet, somehow it seems to make perfect sense. If I don't do what I know I should be doing, again, God will have to withdraw His love from me until I have gotten my act together, right?
Wrong. God loves me whether I weigh 450 pounds or 150 pounds. His love is unconditional, everlasting, and deeper and wider than I can even fathom. He wants what is best for me, and being a healthy weight is what is best for me, but even as I struggle my way towards that, He is cheering me on, excited to see the progress I have made. He loves me even when I eat that extra slice of cheesecake, even when I have a snack that turns into a meal just before I go to bed, even when I skip my morning exercise, and even when I give up and decide to just eat for 3 days straight. God loves me because He is love. Not because I'm perfect. (because I'm not)
It's a journey. Most of the journey is walked with weary steps but ultimately, what counts is that those steps are taken. And one day, the results shall be seen.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
And There Were Lessons Learned
Okay, I'll admit it. I'm terrified to step on the scales tomorrow. I took an entire week off and had a "vacation" and now I'm worried that I've put on 5 pounds. Let's see, that would be an excess of 17,500 calories over 7 days would be an additional 2,500 calories each day. A total of 4,300 calories a day (I'm currently burning about 1,800 daily, according to calorie-count.com). Hmmm, I could be dangerously close, what with the snacks, sweets, cheese and fried foods.
I learned several things this last week. I learned that I feel much better when I have regular meal times and portion control. If I skip breakfast, I eat more calories at the other two meals and usually end being so hungry that nothing seems to fill my stomach. I learned that if you don't eat something for a really long time, you won't crave it and you won't miss it. Until you start eating it again. I learned that sugar never fills you up, never satisfies you, and you never stop craving it. I also learned that I just can't have snack food in my house because I don't do portion control when it comes to snacks. I just want to eat. And eat and eat and eat.
Tomorrow I will get back on the band wagon of eating heathily and exercising regularly. I'm looking forward to it, even though waking up a full hour before the sun and most sane people are awake isn't exactly my cup of tea! My goal? To be serious about eating right and hopefully lose some weight along the way. I'm proud to say I finally made a vegetable soup in my nifty slow cooker this afternoon, so I have my suppers set for this week. Now if only I can eat the soup and not half my fridge for supper, I'll be okay!
I learned several things this last week. I learned that I feel much better when I have regular meal times and portion control. If I skip breakfast, I eat more calories at the other two meals and usually end being so hungry that nothing seems to fill my stomach. I learned that if you don't eat something for a really long time, you won't crave it and you won't miss it. Until you start eating it again. I learned that sugar never fills you up, never satisfies you, and you never stop craving it. I also learned that I just can't have snack food in my house because I don't do portion control when it comes to snacks. I just want to eat. And eat and eat and eat.
Tomorrow I will get back on the band wagon of eating heathily and exercising regularly. I'm looking forward to it, even though waking up a full hour before the sun and most sane people are awake isn't exactly my cup of tea! My goal? To be serious about eating right and hopefully lose some weight along the way. I'm proud to say I finally made a vegetable soup in my nifty slow cooker this afternoon, so I have my suppers set for this week. Now if only I can eat the soup and not half my fridge for supper, I'll be okay!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Top 'O the Charts
So I lost some weight and I was happy. Until I hit a plateau. A plateau that I've been dancing about and see-sawing up and down on for about a month now. At first I blamed the food I was eating, water retention, too much salt, eating too late at night, etc. Then I decided I just needed to be patient, not weigh or record my weight every day, and that eventually the weight would just drop off.
Meanwhile, I was enjoying eating a little more (after all, I was walking 3 miles a day now!) and having some sweet things and a few more snacks.
I realized something the other day. I realized that while I originally thought it was all a mindset and I just needed to think positive, yes, it was "all in my mind" but not the way I thought it was. What I needed to change was my thinking.
See, when I reached my first weight loss goal, my mental tape immediately switched from "I can do this, if I am very careful about what I eat and exercise enough, I can lose weight and be healthy and make it to my weight loss goals," to "I've reached it! Now I can relax a little and the rest will come off much easier than the first." While originally I viewed my very first weigh-in as my highest weight ever and I had to get serious about changing my lifestyle so I didn't have serious health problems, now I was looking at the numbers on the scales and thinking they weren't so bad after all.
What I needed to do, though, was to look at my new set of numbers and mentally move them to the top of my weight chart. My new weight should now be my highest weight and I need to work just as hard to make it to my next weight loss goal. And when I reach that goal, I need to change the numbers again.
Losing weight isn't easy. Neither is making healthy food choices, exercising daily, drinking enough water, getting sufficient sleep, or stocking up on healthy sunshine. I think the hardest part of it all, though, is having trust in God that it is possible to lose weight and become a healthier person. So that's what I'm working on. That, and getting back on track with making positive choices. Here's to the next two months, and here's to reaching my next goal!
Meanwhile, I was enjoying eating a little more (after all, I was walking 3 miles a day now!) and having some sweet things and a few more snacks.
I realized something the other day. I realized that while I originally thought it was all a mindset and I just needed to think positive, yes, it was "all in my mind" but not the way I thought it was. What I needed to change was my thinking.
See, when I reached my first weight loss goal, my mental tape immediately switched from "I can do this, if I am very careful about what I eat and exercise enough, I can lose weight and be healthy and make it to my weight loss goals," to "I've reached it! Now I can relax a little and the rest will come off much easier than the first." While originally I viewed my very first weigh-in as my highest weight ever and I had to get serious about changing my lifestyle so I didn't have serious health problems, now I was looking at the numbers on the scales and thinking they weren't so bad after all.
What I needed to do, though, was to look at my new set of numbers and mentally move them to the top of my weight chart. My new weight should now be my highest weight and I need to work just as hard to make it to my next weight loss goal. And when I reach that goal, I need to change the numbers again.
Losing weight isn't easy. Neither is making healthy food choices, exercising daily, drinking enough water, getting sufficient sleep, or stocking up on healthy sunshine. I think the hardest part of it all, though, is having trust in God that it is possible to lose weight and become a healthier person. So that's what I'm working on. That, and getting back on track with making positive choices. Here's to the next two months, and here's to reaching my next goal!
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