When All is Said and Done

I think it's time to revive this blog. I'm, yes, you guessed it, back on the wagon to weight loss. It seems to be my lifelong story but this time I really want it to stick. Permanently. Which is why I am trying to learn to be kind to myself, to have grown-up boundaries and not eat like a 6 year-old on Halloween night, and at the same time to be patient and understanding. If it took me 25 years to reach this point, I cannot expect my body to return to a normal weight overnight, or even within six months!

Which is extremely difficult for me to do. I'm good at waiting for most things in life. Waiting for the sermon to be over, waiting for my turn at the cash register, waiting behind the tottering lady with the cane and granny cart to make her way down the narrow sidewalk so I can pass. Yet somehow, with weight loss, I expect it to happen magically and instantly. 

Like the snap-your-fingers-its-done society we live in today.

I found myself mindlessly scrolling through YouTube shorts the other day, more than slightly irritated at the fact that they were now 3 minutes long instead of the 60-second limit they were before. Unlike my husband, who had no qualms flicking through short after short, barely waiting for the reel to start before swiping up to the next one, I felt obliged to watch every reel until the end, almost as if the creator were peering over my shoulder, making sure I did so. My attention span now had to triple and I had no patience for that. Just like I had no patience with this agonizingly slow process I was going through.

I started this new phase of my weight-loss journey back in October. The end of October, to be precise. There were a lot of ups and downs, not just emotionally but also reflected on the scales. Yet I'd started to see a downward trend and that was super encouraging for me. 

Until this week. 

"My stomach is empty but I don't want to eat a meal now and have to stay up several more hours for it to digest," I complained in the family group chat around 10 pm at night. My mom suggested keeping it empty to sleep better, using the power of the mind over hunger pains to manage until morning when I could eat again. My sister suggested a handful of nuts or fruit to tide me over. Even ChatGPT got in on the advice-party, recommending yogurt or hummus for an easily-digestible snack. 

I rummaged about in the fridge and found boiled beets. After snacking on 1 1/2 medium sized beets, my stomach was no longer grumbling and I went to bed feeling justified in my choice of healthy food. The next morning reflected my virtuous choice—I had finally dropped out of the obese BMI category into the overweight category! I was overjoyed!!! Granted, I had lost 0.8 kilos overnight because all my stomach had to process was a cup of produce, but I was elated. After slogging away for 3 months, I had finally reached the first major goal. I told my aunt; I told my husband. I was waiting to tell the rest of my family and friends until they saw me in a few months' time.

The next day my weight went up. 

And the day after.

By Friday, at the end of a very tedious Turkish class, I was ready to call it quits. I hurried home and, after doing the weekly produce shop at the nearby fruits and vegetables bazaar, hauled my granny cart up two flights of stairs, parked it in the hallway, and headed to the kitchen for my well-deserved snack. I reached for the light blue-lidded plastic container on top of the fridge and popped it open. I moved the cookies aside until I found the largest one and then headed for the lounge where I sat down in relief. A few moments later I was savouring my homemade snickerdoodle as the sugar rushed to my brain for some extra stress-relieving endorphins. 

I'd done it. I'd made it through another week without sugar and I could now enjoy my sugary treat.

The treat didn't end there. Over the next 24 hours I had another cookie, a large Snickers bar, an entire bar of white chocolate and an entire bar of Dubai chocolate. About 2,000 calories in total. 

And the weight went up. 

I was now a kilo up from my lowest weight. My BMI had jumped from 29.9 to 30.2 in a matter of 3 days. I felt lousy, my appetite was gone, ironically I didn't even find myself craving chocolate, and I hated my choices. I knew logically that even 2,000 calories of chocolate and cookies could be balanced with calorie-dense foods such as spinach and mushroom stir fry and still not push me over the edge weight-wise, but my brain was refusing to listen to logic. 

I hated myself.

Instead of praising myself for the 3+ months I had diligently exercised and started shifting my eating habits to more healthy ones, I chose to focus on the 24 hours of sugar binge-eating I had indulged in. Instead of being proud of the 4 kilos I had lost, I beat myself up over the 1 kilo I had found again. albeit it was most likely from a late-night meal the night before.

And I realized, in that moment, that weight loss was a whole lot more than the food you put in your mouth. Weight loss started in the mind, not the stomach, not the mouth, not even in the refrigerator or cupboards. It started with a positive mindset that refused to be discouraged by little setbacks or minor challenges. It started with a mindset that was committed to the long-haul, okay with the occasional Snickers bar or even the occasional 2,000 calorie binge, but able to see beyond that to the long-term healthy lifestyle that was slowly being sculpted out of the daily choices to be healthy. 

I had lost 2 inches around my weight. My pants were getting loose; I was down 1 belt notch on my belt. I felt lighter, my face looked smaller, and my husband was regularly remarking that I looked pretty. I no longer suffered from heartburn, I knew what it felt like to have an empty stomach, and my cravings had disappeared. 

I knew I still had a long way to go, as I planned to lose another 16 kilos to reach a normal weight, but I was confident I could do it. After all, time was going to pass by anyway, so why not do something about it while time was passing? Even if it was a very slow process, I would much prefer to see the weight on the scales dropping slowly, rather than incrementally increasing. 

And so I picked my chocolate-drunk self back up off the floor of defeat, dusted off the cinnamon-flecked snickerdoodle flour from my face, and decided that I would give it another go. It was time for a 3 minute short. 

Here We Go Again

Happy Girl's Day to You! my husband beamed at me as he sang, slightly off-key, and handed me a wooden bowl with a tissue on top. I pulled off the tissue and saw two half sandwiches. One, my favourite, was a cheese manaeesh. The other, a cheese/olive/tomato/cucumber sandwich, also a favourite.

I saved them for you! he exclaimed. He'd gone to a meeting scheduled during the supper hour and someone had ordered food for everyone. He didn't feel comfortable eating, so he'd brought his sandwiches home to share with me. 

I smiled at his exuberance and thanked him. Then I took a bite. And another. And another. Until both half sandwiches had vanished and my stomach was satisfied. I looked at the clock. It was 11 pm. 

Three days ago I stepped gingerly onto the scales and looked down. 91.5 kg stared silently back at me. My heart sank. In 6 weeks I'd managed to put on 4 kilos, give or take a few grams. The holiday eating was starting to catch up to me, and, not being able to mitigate it with exercise due to a bad case of plantar fasciitis, I'd found myself in a sugar spiral that was rapidly going to the Land of Oz. Except this land was filled with obese people; myself included. 

I sat down in front of my work laptop and opened up an Excel sheet. You love to reach goals; now set weight loss goals for yourself that are realistic and work towards those, I told myself. I started typing. A few minutes later I printed out the sheet and looked down at it. I was going to lose half a kilo a week until the end of May when my husband graduated. I really really wanted to be able to wear a nice dress on that day. And I really really wanted to be able to take wedding photos in my wedding dress before we moved and I gave it away to a deserving young lady. I had 3 rules for myself.

1. No sugar
2. Portion control
3. 30 minutes of exercise a day

The first day I didn't eat late at night. Score! The next morning I'd dropped 0.7 kilos. I found myself, however, quickly slipping into the mindset I'd had before when I'd seen a drastic weight loss in a day or two, gotten lazy, and ended up right back where I started or even higher. So, to motivate myself, I decided to skip breakfast and dinner on Tuesday and breakfast on Wednesday. I managed it without too much trouble but Wednesday evening found me binge-eating somewhat, assuaging my guilty conscience with the thought that I skipped breakfast, so it's okay if I have some extra calories. 

I finished a bowl of soup, rationalizing that it was low in calories and if I filled up my stomach with good food then it would have less space for the junk food. Then I had a couple spoons of an apple crumble I'd made, no added sugar other than 2 cups of sweetened apple juice, and a tiny cheese sandwich. 

After coming home from the concert that evening, when my husband handed me the sandwiches, I ate them without a second thought. The sandwich with vegetables won't be good tomorrow, I told myself, and I was probably right. However, I could have easily wrapped up the cheese manaeesh for the next day or even frozen it for later. I didn't need the calories and I sure as heck didn't need to be eating at 11 pm at night! 

I grew up with the mindset that you had to finish what was on your plate, it wasn't good to waste food, and you should eat food at its peak, even if you're not hungry. I became a binge-eater most probably in my teens, as a way to cope with the high stress I was facing from constant moves and my parents divorcing. To this day, more than 25 years later, I continue to binge-eat even though I'm not hungry simply because my mind is automatically telling me this is what I need to do. Even when I don't want to. 

I know all the tricks. I know you should stay hydrated so you don't snack as much but I choose not to drink as much as I should because that will take away space in my stomach. I know you can eat a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate and not feel full but if you eat a platter of veggies and hummus or a huge bowl of popcorn then you will feel satiated and you won't want to eat the junk food. So I choose not to prepare the healthier versions because I want to eat the junk food. I need to eat the junk food. It makes me feel happy. I know you shouldn't buy the junk food to begin with, but I am the one putting the chips, sodas, cookies and cake into my shopping cart. I'm the one mixing up the latest batch of apple pie or cookies and popping them into my oven. 

I messed up tonight. Tomorrow the scales will reflect it. But I still have a weekend to redeem myself. With several tests ahead, including eating out at someone's house and Christmas markets. But it's just half a kilo a week. That is manageable. I want to be able to reach a weight loss goal for once in my life. 

I set a goal in my health app. First 4 kilos in the first 8 weeks. If I hit my target every week, I get one chocolate. I had enough gifts of chocolate in the last couple of days to keep me going to my 20 goals!

Vegan Banh Mi

1 carrot
rice vinegar
1/3 cup sugar
1 onion
oil
1/2 block extra firm tofu in slices
4 tbsp soy sauce
dash chili powder
1 tbsp sugar
cilantro
mayonnaise
long slices of cucumber
1 small white baguette
salt to taste

Peel shavings of the carrot into a bowl and soak in rice vinegar and 1/3 cup sugar. Meanwhile, fry thin onion rings in oil til soft, then add slices of tofu. In a small box, mix 4 tbsp soy sauce, dash chili powder, 1 tbsp sugar and then pour over the tofu and fry, flipping over regularly, until the sauce has been soaked up.

Cut open the baguette, peel out the soft bread from one side, then liberally spread mayonnaise on the other side. Layer tofu slices with some of the onion, pickled carrot shavings, long slices of cucumber, a generous serving of cilantro leaves, and salt to taste.

Brown Pants and Wine Red Shoes

So life happened. Usually in the past, when life happened, weight also happened and I would gain 10 or 15 pounds. Except this time, things were different. This time my heart was content and once I'd learned how to manage all the various eating occasions in a healthy way, I began to see the pounds drop.

My mother told me the other day that we need to learn how to eat healthy because life will always throw us loops. She knows I'm a stress eater and that I reach for the carbs and the sugar and the chocolate when life gets rough. Here, those 3 cardinal sins are entirely too accessible which makes the struggle twice as hard. But I'm learning something. . .when my heart is full my stomach is full also.

Now I eat to satisfy hunger or to enjoy a social event with friends but the need to satisfy a deep ache in my heart has disappeared. Portion control is possible, self-control is possible, and food is something that provides nutrition rather than emotional satisfaction. I didn't know this was possible. I thought I would always struggle with my weight but one thing I am proud to say is that I never gave up struggling. I kept fighting because I still had hope that something could change.

I'm going to be completely transparent and say that while the majority of the time I eat for healthy reasons, there are still occasions when life just gets to be a bit too much and I'm not able to process it with a friend or family member right in that moment. Then I give myself permission to indulge but it's only for a meal or a day. Never for weeks on end like before.

And it's working. I'm losing weight! Everyone notices and encourages me, which is motivation to keep the trend going. My clothes are getting too big and my body is taking on a more natural shape rather than the box-car shape I had before. I feel better about myself and I'm excitedly looking forward to going home in a couple of months and trying on old clothes that I'd packed away not knowing if I'd ever fit into them again.

Nearly a year ago I wrote my last entry on this blog. I was disappointed because my weight had crept up once more to my all-time high that I'd battled several years ago. I made resolutions to live a healthier life but I knew that change was about to enter my life and I worried that trying to cope with a new job, new culture, new friends, and leaving home long-term for the first time would wreak havoc with those resolutions. I had hope but I didn't know if I'd have the capability to carry through.

Now here I am, about to enter 2017, and I am proud to say that I'm accomplishing my goal with God's help. It isn't easy. There are days I want to live on bread and cake and manaeesh and I could, if I wanted, and no one would fault me for it. There are days my body refuses to walk one more step but my mind insists I must reach for the 10,000 step mark. Each day, though, marches by whether or not I make healthy life decisions. So I'm pleased that God has given me the ability to stick to it and I'm excited to see how He continues to help me in the new year.

Raise a Toast

I looked at the Woman rack and realized. . .the smallest size is a 14. I can buy plus-sized clothing and fit it. It was a sad moment for me. Somehow, over the past months, my weight has struggled to stay stable and just recently I stepped on the scale to see that I was a pound away from my all-time high I'd seen several years ago. I resolved to do something about it. . .once I finished the jar of white and milk chocolate swirl spread and the orange jelly candies and the snap pea crisps.

Naturally, that day didn't come. Instead, I found myself peering into the fridge, searching earnestly for my next sugar, carb, or fat fix. I looked to food to console myself and even a number on a scale couldn't frighten me into change. I'd tried, and failed, so many times before that even the thought of eating a single healthy meal seemed too tiring to try.

My father was diagnosed with a lifestyle-related disease this year. He, like us, knows all the reasons why we should exercise and eat healthy. Compared to his siblings, he lives a fairly healthy life and doesn't carry the characteristic 50+ pounds. He is doing well. Except he isn't. The disease will now control his life until and unless he decides to make some significant changes in how he eats. Will he think it's worth it? I hope so, for his sake.

Why is it so easy to absorb knowledge yet so difficult to put it into practice? I can read diet books, lifestyle change articles, and healthy cookbooks all day long but when I reach for something to fill my mouth, I retreat from apples, celery, and carrots. I crave what isn't good for me even as I know that it is killing me.

It is interesting to consider: you can choose what controls your life. It can be unhealthy food, it can be the disease that results from the unhealthy food, or it can be a desire to feed your body and brain with nutritious food that will enhance your life. I often make things too complicated. I want to have a formula of exactly what foods to eat and when so I know I'm living by the rule book and am guaranteed results. I think that ends up letting the food control my life, though.

In this new year, instead of writing in my journal that I plan to lose 30 pounds like I have written for the past 5 years, I want to make a different resolution. I want to resolve to feed my body and brain with foods that will give me life, joy, and peace. Eating unhealthy foods is stressful! I want to know that what I'm eating is providing nutrition instead of introducing disease. I want to enjoy the foods I eat rather than feel sad because I know they aren't healthy. I want to be content that I am honoring God in my choices of what I eat and what I drink.

I don't want to get diabetes, have a heart attack, or have cancer. One health gauge tells me that I have a 29% chance of developing those diseases and more if I don't do something about my health. I want to wear pretty dresses and feel confident and beautiful. I want to swim again. I want to be able to take pictures from any angle and look happy.

Here's to tomorrow and all its possibilities. Here's to health.

Day 4

Headache is gone, thank goodness! I'm eating a lot of almonds & mandarins. Probably should cut down on the almonds :) as they are high calorie. But it's better to eat almonds than chocolate chip cookies! If I eat beans for breakfast and lunch, it keeps me full longer. I'm finding my cravings are minimal and my feeling of satiety comes quicker and lasts longer. When I was binging on sugars and processed carbs, I would have an intense feeling of hunger before eating and would wolf down my food so my stomach wouldn't hurt. Now I'm learning to eat for the sake of eating a meal, not out of desperation.

Day 3

Today I woke up with a headache. I did a bit of research online and found out sugar withdrawals can give a person a headache. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. Still a bit cranky and tired too. I'm happy to say I made it through day 3 without reaching for sugar. It's mandarin season so I make sure to eat at least two a day and that keeps my hollow sugary tooth satisfied!

Pressing On

Day 2 of no sugar. It hasn't been too difficult. I keep reminding myself that I can eat anything I want as long as it doesn't have sugar in it. Which can be rather restrictive if you're used to eating processed foods.

For breakfast I had wholewheat couscous with chickpeas and marinated artichoke hearts and then two mandarins. Lunch was leftover curry and rice, with some almonds for dessert. Supper was a can of lentil soup, two slices of bread thinly spread with vegenaise and with cucumber, and a small bowl of grapes. I had some more almonds and a mandarin for a mid-afternoon snack since lunch wasn't very filling.

It's just 10 days, right? I have a headache, it started mid-afternoon. I wonder if it's related to the no-sugar intake. Still somewhat irritable.

But I'm proud of myself because I had a whole bowl of peppermint patties on my desk all day and didn't eat a single one.

Sure hope this thing works with the weight loss. Off to bed so I can get up and walk for 30 minutes. I know, weight loss requires a minimum of 60-90 minutes of exercise a day. But I walk 30 minutes in the morning, and then 7 minutes to and from work 4 times a day which adds up to another 28 minutes. Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out how to use a vivofit and see if that helps me up the miles during the day.

1 of 10

Day 1 of 10 days of no sugar. I'm about 9 hours into it, since I slept in this morning, but I can say without a doubt that it is pretty miserable. I was doing fine, until I started cooking this evening and suddenly the rest of the family decided that was their cue to start preparing their supper so we were doing a dance in the small kitchen. Suddenly I felt myself getting angry inside. I kept silent as usually when I'm in a "mood" it is easier if we all stay away from each other. My mom tried to make small talk and my answers were short and curt. I just wanted to finish the cooking and retreat to my safe room. With a plate of cookies. Or a warm baguette with real cheese. Ah the cravings.

I learned a new word the other day. Orthorexia. At first I thought it was a hoax but the National Eating Disorder Association defines it as a "fixation on healthy eating" saying that those who suffer from this "become consumed with what and how much to eat, and how to deal with “slip-ups.”  An iron-clad will is needed to maintain this rigid eating style.  Every day is a chance to eat right, be “good,” rise above others in dietary prowess, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).  Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of orthorexics’ diet and they sometimes feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake." (Taken from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa) There's a list of 8 questions you can self-diagnose with and I found myself checking Yes to 7 of them. It made me sad.

I wish I could enjoy eating without worrying about what I eat. When I lived in South Korea for a summer, I ate what I pleased. Green tea ice lollies, pastries with unidentifiable contents, kimbap and bibimbap (sushi and a veggie/rice/fried egg bowl), white bread with mayonnaise, mini spinach (and the occasional accidental ham) quiches, vegetable stir fry, and lots of brown rice with kimchee (pickled cabbage, hopefully without the shrimp paste). I came home weighing the lowest I had in years even though I was enjoying carbs, refined foods, and sugar.

Then I spent the next 10. . .yes, you heard right, 10. . .years struggling to maintain the weight even as I stepped onto a roller coaster of emotions and fat. I went up nearly 40 pounds, I went down 22, and I teetered everywhere in between. I exercised, restricted refined foods, went on no-sugar diets, counted calories, ate 2 servings of vegetables at every meal, slept 8 hours a night, ate beans, and meticulously charted my weight. The weight that went up and down, up and down, up and down.

I thought I was doing everything right and was frustrated with myself because the results were not forthcoming as quickly as I had planned. I needed to lose 20 pounds for my best friend's wedding, for my master's graduation, for my 35th birthday. As each milestone came closer, I panicked, restricted, and then binged. I didn't know how to plod like the tortoise so instead I found myself sprinting like the hare only to run out of energy about 20 miles down the 100-mile track. I was doing a lot but it wasn't enough. And it wasn't sticking.

You see, if I'm perfectly honest with myself and with you, I wasn't sticking to the plan. Yes, I was careful with my regular meals, but there was a 4th meal at night, after everyone was in bed and the lights were out. That meal consisted of cookies, candy, chips, and ice cream. Or if we had a special treat, I would eat one at lunchtime and then three or four at the 4th meal. I became adept at disguising how much food I was eating and when. I ate healthy, yes, but I also ate unhealthy.

I do want to take a moment to focus on the positive in the midst of confession time. I have eliminated my thyroid medication and I attribute it primarily to a vegan diet. I don't buy Twix or Reese's chocolate at the checkout stand and we no longer stock potato chips and Hansen's sodas on our treat shelf. Right now, the only sugary things in the house are some ice cream and chocolate chips in the freezer and when they're gone, they're gone. The grocery list is jammed full of veggies, wholewheat carbs, and rye crackers.

So why another diet? Two reasons. I watched That Sugar Film recently and read an article about children with metabolic syndrome who were put on a 10-day sugar fast. Both of those are incentive to give it a try. The second reason is that I just cleaned out my cupboard. I have a tendency to put off unpleasant things (am guessing I'm not the only one!) and I've been putting off cleaning out my cupboard for several weeks. When I finally sat down and worked on it, it took me about an hour. I'd wasted many more hours avoiding tackling the task when it could have been done and I could have been enjoying using that closet.

Similarly, I need to tackle the unpleasant task of losing weight. I want to do it in a healthy way so when people ask me how I did it, I won't smile smugly and say "Isagenix" or "Shakeology" or any of those other high-priced programs out there. I want to be able to tell them that it is possible on a limited budget, in a small kitchen, with a busy life, to eat healthy. If I work on it now, instead of spending the next 10 years avoiding the unpleasant task, maybe one day I'll wake up and smile because my body is finally where I want it to be. I sure hope so.

For tonight, I need to figure out how to satisfy the emotional urge to eat. Maybe some tea or a rye cracker will do.

The Seesaw of Life

The weight goes up; the weight goes down. Eating out sabotages my efforts; eating in gives me free rein to snack and nibble. Tonight I was hungry. I'd had my usual soy yoghurt with ground flaxmeal and wholewheat cinnamon roll for breakfast, a plate of brown jasmine rice with collard greens and a tofu/spinach scramble for lunch along with a piece of fudge for dessert, and for supper a gluten-free burrito with half a tomato and a hearty serving of stir-fry. Everything was tasty but I didn't feel full. I'm used to feeling stuffed.

So I ate some more. I had two mini cracker snack packs, half a pawpaw, and a wholewheat pita bread with half an avocado and fresh mint leaves. Then I was happy. I think I need that feeling of satiety that comes from eating something with fat in it, which I was missing for supper.

At first I was upset with myself for eating so much for supper. Then I thought about it logically. I was low on the calorie-end of things so it was okay to eat a little more. The extra part of my supper was primarily composed of healthy foods (whole grains, herbs, fruit). I did great overall today with my general intake of food.

So instead of being upset with myself, I choose to be happy that I'm on the path to healthier food choices! I think it helps that I've chosen not to purchase snack foods so I don't have those to fall back on when I am feeling like eating for emotional reasons. My snack packs now consist of healthy trail mix instead of Twix bars. Wahoo!!! I think maybe. . .it's finally starting to click.

Oh, side note, I watched That Sugar Film yesterday. After I've finished eating the yoghurts I bought cheap at Grocery Outlet, I'm going to cut down my sugar intake. I think that also leads to a feeling to not being full.

Eat This, Not That

I went shopping on Sunday for convenience foods. It went against my frugal "religion" yet I knew I had to try it out to see if it would help me in eating healthier. My biggest excuse in not eating healthy is that it takes too much time and I don't have that much time. In reality, if I spent an hour less on Facebook every day, I could use it to prep grab-and-go meals for the next day, but it's my escape mechanism for now. Hence, to prevent food from being an escape mechanism also, I decided to invest some of my hard-earned $ into buying packaged foods.

I grew up in a household where cakes were lovingly created from flour, sugar, eggs, milk, and fresh fruits (unless we bought one from the local bakery). We did not know that things such as cake mixes existed and when a college friend asked if I'd like to bake a cake for our choir director and she showed up at my house the next day with a cardboard box, I looked curiously at her, wondering how that was supposed to produce a cake. Miraculously, it did, but to this day I bake from scratch. It shows care for the other person and saves money too.

In addition to baking, we ate simple foods. My  mother wasn't too keen on cooking, so when we left Africa and our house-boy/personal chef behind, she prepared meals that didn't require too much effort yet still provided growing children with nutrition. A familiar staple was boiled green beans and potatoes with a brown gravy and applesauce. Or we'd have macaroni and tomato sauce or rice and yellow lentils. One or two ingredient meals that filled our bellies.

As a teenager, I learned to cook for my nutrition class in homeschool and quickly found I enjoyed it. My mother happily handed over the apron and cutting board and I began to experiment with food. My younger brother's food allergies challenged me to create tasty substitutes, such as beet sauce for spaghetti (not a hit), and taught me sensitivity to people with different dietary needs. My diverse ethnic heritage provided me with an abundance of cuisines to draw from and I became adept at reproducing favourite dishes. Tabbouleh joined koushari, samosas, fresh rolls, bryani, garlic baby bok choy, trifle, and more on our family table.

Then life happened, I was working, and I had less time or interest in preparing fun foods. Now I grabbed the easy carbs, mostly bread, added a thick layer of fat, mostly vegenaise or margarine, and my meals were ready. There were fewer fruit-rich grain breakfasts and stir-fry veggie-heavy dinners. I needed comfort foods instead of finding comfort in preparing the foods.

So, while I recognized my life's trend had changed, I also knew I had to be proactive about being healthy in this stage of life. This was why I found myself wandering Costco, Whole Foods, and Trader Joe's aisles in search of foods that would provide the nutrition my body craved in the speed of time my mind demanded. I cringed as I paid $39 for gluten-free burritos but then reminded myself that it was two week's worth and it was cheaper than a diet plan.

I headed home with staples and new foods, some which have been a success and others which have failed. Unsweetened almond milk from Grocery Outlet: fail. It was too thick which made me think it had gone off (it hasn't, but I'm not convinced, so it's sitting in the fridge, waiting to go bad.) Amy's Kitchen Lentil soup (low sodium): win. Huge win. It comes in a non-BPA lined can, is just 180 calories, and the lentils are nice and soft (not crunchy like some soups are). I bought a box of soups at Costco and it cost me a little under $1.50 per can. With a side salad or a veggie stir-fry (both can be bought as convenience foods also), it's a perfect supper that fills me up and is heavy on the recommended healthy carbs and veggies.

Interestingly enough, I'm finding now that I have time to dedicate to food prep after all. I grind flaxseed meal to add to my soy yogurt in the morning (it keeps my blood sugar level for at least 4 hours). I chop up veggies for a quick salad. I make fresh rolls for a light meal. Even though it was hard to shell out money for foods I could make but wasn't, I think it was a wise decision. It helped push me in a positive food choice direction and gave me support so when I was hungry, I could grab a tasty burrito instead of a handful of chips.

I was reading old diary entries from 2009. I'd carefully chronicled each meal for about a month, most of them consisting of cookies, cheese sticks, white bread, vegenaise, and the occasional vegetable here and there. There had been some weight loss but it fluctuated madly and made me frustrated. I was convinced, though, that since I was counting calories I would lose weight. Now, 6 years later, I'm at the same weight I was then and, according to my patient CalorieCount weight log, have seen that weight and gone up and down in about a 16-pound range. It isn't a healthy way to live. In 2009, I was so excited. I was going to lose a pound a week and in 31 weeks, just in time for my 30th birthday, I was going to reach my target goal: the top range for my height. Sadly, I never saw that number.

I'm not going to say that this time I shall be successful. I've found that when I loudly proclaim that in the past, I've fallen the heaviest on my face. I am going to say that this time I want to persist, I want to do all I can to support my effort, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on my health. I believe God wants me to have a healthy body and I believe He will give me the support I need if I ask Him for it. I also recognize that it isn't a simple or easy process. It's kind of like life. There are things I need to change in myself to be a better person and it isn't easy to do so. I need to be kinder and less impatient. This is something I may have to work on my whole life. So I want to humbly ask God for help, both to be kind and to be healthy, and together work on achieving that goal.

Here's to health.

Of Chickpeas and Voices

Trying to live healthy. A hummus-cucumber sandwich for breakfast, whole-wheat pasta with chickpea alfredo-type sauce and steamed broccoli for lunch with a cookie for dessert, a large salad with olives/sunflower seeds/corn for supper. No snacks, plenty of water. Tomorrow I will wake up early enough to exercise.

In all honesty, I'm tired (not enough sleep over the weekend) and grumpy because I want to eat carbs in the evening. I want bread. If I could eat bread three times a day I would be happy. My mom would tell me that means I'm addicted to carbs. Maybe I am, or maybe it's just that they fill my stomach and keep it from grumbling and making me feel horrible whenever I try to eat healthier.

I think this is the hardest part of it all--of healthy living. It's getting past the voice in my head that says, "You're miserable, this could end very quickly if you exercised your free will and buttered up a slice of bread with lots of jam or put a slice of your favourite vegan cheese on a sandwich with lots of vegenaise. You deserve it. . ." The voice that calls for longevity, fitting into my skirts and pants and cute dresses again, feeling good about myself, and knowing I'm doing the right thing? That voice is the softest of whispers right now. . .

The Facts

I stared at my vitals from the doctor's visit yesterday. My BP was high. My weight had just tipped into the top of the obese BMI range (granted, it was with clothes, but still). It made me sad. I reached for a box of caramel chocolate peanut fudge and took another spoonful. When I'd eaten so much I felt sick because of its sweetness, I tried an old trick. I nuked a slice of vegan cheese on a piece of bread, sprinkled it with salt, then enjoyed the diversion in taste so I could eat a couple more spoonfuls of fudge.

Chew and repeat.

I tried so hard today. I had a green smoothie for breakfast: 370 calories. I had a haystack lunch but piled it high with veggies. Maybe 600 calories? I had a cup of lentils, some whole wheat linguine, and two rye crackers with hummus and cucumbers and green olives for supper. I had cherries for a snack. And then it was 10:30 at night, I was hungry because lentils and linguine don't stay long in my stomach, and I'd just finished cooking up a huge pot of delicious Thai yellow curry for lunch the next day. I had a spoonful and then I sat down to log into my health record. That's when I reached for the fudge.

There are days I feel triumphant that I've managed to eat healthy all day. Then there are days I feel frustrated because I don't know how to eat healthy, I'm tired of chewing carrots, I want a slice of bread and I don't want to give up wheat, and the thought of walking a mile sounds like the worst idea of the month. I seem to have 98% bad days and 2% good days. I wonder why I keep trying? It would be easier to give up and just eat what I'd like to eat. Sometimes I wonder, if I did that, would the weight magically melt away? Would it be like those stories of single women who stop searching for a guy and only then does the perfect guy appear?

I've tried it before, though, and I only ended up putting on more weight. I blame my metabolism and I do have a medical reason to do so. At the same time, I know the numbers and they're adding up. I don't keep my daily limit to 1500 calories. I don't exercise to boost my metabolism. I go to bed late and sleep in or I'm lacking in sleep. There are many ways I still need to improve so yes, the numbers on the scale are accurate.

I want to be comfortable in my skin and in the clothes I wear. I don't want to buy size 16 skirts or XL tops. I don't want to worry that people will think I'm pregnant because I carry most of my weight in my belly. I'm embarrassed that I won't look beautiful for my best friend's wedding in just 5 weeks. I struggle because the emotions I feel drive me to food which caused these problems in the first place.

I don't want to wake up with diabetes, worry about having a heart attack, or maintain my high blood pressure. I want to live a healthy full life where I can hike a hill without running out of breath. This will require even more self-control than I have now.

As I reflect on where I've been, binging and hoarding food regularly, eating 8 slices of bread for supper because I could, stuffing my stomach so full it ached when I stopped, I see I've come far. I still have a path to traverse but I'm thankful I'm not just beginning the journey.

I may never look like a super model, but I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to be able to accept myself instead of live in judgement. And that, perhaps, is the hardest lesson of all to learn.

Green Smoothies and Pyramids

My pet peeve: people who tout various pyramid-scheme, multi-level marketing programs as the cure-all for various health issues. In reality, it's the caffeine and the green tea in that "fizzy stick" that is keeping your appetite and weight down. It's not rocket science. Healthy whole plant foods provide the best nutrition for our bodies. Unfortunately, it seems to be rocket science when it comes to actually implementing the steps.

I think this is why so many people get excited about quick-fix products. Yes, you have to pay something for the product, but you're guaranteed results, you get a support group, and you feel accountable to stick to the program.

What if you put the money you're spending into organic fruits and veggies? What if you invested the time you used to build a team of sellers into exercising, creating tasty dishes, and learning more about nutrition?

I'm going to be the first to confess that I'm struggling with living a healthy life. I need to lose at least 30 pounds, I need a regular exercise plan, and I am not always good at choosing grapes over tortilla chips. I've done the on-again-off-again diet deal for years now and each time it gets slightly more frustrating and slightly less rewarding. So I'm here to say I want to change but I want it to be a lifestyle change. I want to be able to sustain it for a lifetime and feel good about it.

I was wondering what my next project would be after I finished my graduate studies. I think I've found it. It's to become a healthier version of me in the healthiest way possible. And then maybe I'll write a book about it. Or at least a blog :)

Mediterranean Meal

I'm going to try documenting my meals by taking pictures of them. We'll see how long this lasts!

Sunday Brunch ~569 calories
1 large white pita bread (special treat from Lebanon)
2 tsp tahini (approximately)
1/3 English cucumber
24 green olives
1 cara cara orange

4 grams of fiber so I need to bump up the fiber in my next meal.

Scorecard

On a mixed up schedule since the weekend and now I'm not sure how to get back on. I know I need to get out exercising again, especially with this amazing weather. I know I need to eat a proper breakfast so I'm not eating supper at 10:30 pm. I know I need to stop eating potato chips, even if they are vegan and amazingly flavoured sour cream and onion.

I know all the right things to do but I'm tired of doing them. . .

'cept I can't be tired, because I need to do this. I need to succeed. I need to reach my goal in weight loss just as I reach  my goal in academics. So I'm off to bed to get some sleep and then tomorrow I'll be out exercising.

In groups of 5

So I lost my first 5 pounds today!!! Of course I'm rather apprehensive about the scales tomorrow; they seem to be rather vindictive. One day they'll go down 1/2 a pound and the next they'll go up 2 pounds. I really don't know the rhyme or reason, though I have a sneaking suspicion that if I logged what I ate and when I ate it for the next couple of weeks, I'd have a better idea. Can't be bothered, though.

When I happily announced to a group of people that I was going to lose weight this semester (why oh why did I do that?), I wasn't thinking about the miserable aspect of that. Realistically, there are 2 ways to lose weight. Increase exercise. Reduce calorie intake. I've done both in order to have maximum impact and because I know that for my body I can't just increase exercise because I end up eating whatever I like and putting on weight instead of losing it.

This time around I'm limiting myself to 2 meals a day with fruit in the evening if I need it. It's hard. Actually, it's VERY HARD. And yes, I meant to put that in all caps. My stomach rattles rather emptily at about 8 pm and I usually don't get to sleep til 11 so I end up being distracted by it and can't think very clearly. I crave carbs because I love eating bread and my current diet doesn't allow for a lot of that.

Here's what I'm doing:

• Exercise 3 miles a day (walk up hills/jog down hills) 6 days a week
• Eat oatmeal with blueberries and walnuts for breakfast 5 days a week
• Eat beans for lunch 5 days a week if possible
• Skip supper or eat an orange/grapefruit if needed

Nothing too fancy but the key is consistency. The benefits after 2.5 weeks:

• Lost 5 pounds
• Pants fit better
• Increased self-esteem
• Sleep well at night
• Reduced sugar cravings

I didn't even realize it, but because of my diet, I've significantly reduced the amount of sugar I eat. Now, if I want something sweet, I have a rice cracker with Smuckers Fruit Spread and Tofutti Sour Cream. A couple of those and I'm happy!

I'm so pleased that this has been successful and I'm writing about it because I need the accountability. I need to lose a minimum of 29 pounds by August 1 and 5 of those are gone already! I plan to march at my graduation with a huge smile, not just because I completed the studies, but because I reached a very important personal goal of losing weight. I am also going to a large convention in July and would love to feel comfortable in my skin when I meet up with old friends there. Plus I need to learn how to eat healthy now so when I'm there for 2 weeks I don't put all the weight right back on. This is the daily battle, possibly a battle for life, but that is why I'm fighting it. I want my life and I'm willing to fight my natural desires for the sugars, the carbs, and the processed foods high in fat, so I can be victorious with Christ's help.

Tumbling Backwards

Last week was great. Lost 3.5 pounds. Jogged an hour each morning. Ate oatmeal for breakfast and lentil soup for lunch. I finally wasn't hungry at suppertime and was content with fruit or a single slice of bread.

This week was horrible. Found 1.5 of those pounds. I was supposed to lose another 2 so now I'm off track. Ate chocolate granola bars for breakfast, frosting for supper. Slept in every morning. Trying to keep up with a sudden mountain of expectations at work and school while finding some time for me.

Not exactly sure where I'm at right now. If I don't keep up the exercise and healthy eating, I think a thousand thoughts a day about how I need to lose weight. If I keep it up, I get discouraged when I see the weight fluctuate as it is wont to do, seeing as how I'm a female and if I happen to cry the night before I'll lose 2 extra pounds!

It is one day at a time but it has to be a long term plan too. I would be so happy if I could take my graduation photos in six months as a woman who is a healthy weight. That number is 27 pounds away. It means a pound gone every week. Every single week.

An Emotional Hole

I stress-eat. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone but what I need to know is how to stop doing that. Tonight it was a frustrating text message exchange that set off the binge of Danish cookies and hazelnut vanilla spread. I think I managed about 1500 calories, or 10 times as much exercise as I did today (which was not easy, I might add). They say that exercise is not as beneficial to weight loss as learning how to eat right and it makes sense when I look at the numbers.

In the end, it's only me who suffers. When I find myself in a difficult situation and I console myself with high-fat high-sugar high-carb comfort foods, I feel good for a moment but once the food disappears and I come out of the fat/sugar/carb "coma" I realize that 1500 calories has gone into my mouth but the emotional hole is as empty as before.

I had decided to exercise diligently this week. I am changing my resolution. Instead I shall work on understanding what is going on inside my head and heart. I shall also use some of that time to indulge in healthy foods. In other words, make hummus and eat it with cucumbers and olives instead of grabbing chips and salsa. Peel an orange instead of a granola bar.

My affirmation for this week: "If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you." ~Fred Devito.

Which key is it?

I had hoped it wouldn't come back to this. Successfully managing to keep off about 5-8 pounds, but the rest of the 22+ have returned. I get frustrated because I wonder if I will ever manage to drop to that magical weight and be able to keep it there. Read about all-or-nothing thinking today in The Lost Art of Thinking and realized that there is where one of my challenges lie. I had just decided not to eat vegenaise again. I've done that before, then I've binged on it, and then I'm right back to where I started. It's hard for me to set realistic goals; in life as well as in weight loss I tend to aim for an "A" grade and anything less than that means that I'm less than also.

This is going to be hard, but this week I am going to restrict myself to 30 minutes of exercise every day. I'm doing it for a purpose; I want to be able to sustain it and I want to enjoy it/look forward to it. I will also do my best to eat oatmeal for breakfast and an orange every night for supper.

I'm turning 35 this year, in just over 6 months. I would like to reach a weight that makes me smile, both when I reach that milestone birthday and when I reach for my graduate diploma. I feel sad because I think it's not possible, I can't keep up a regime of oatmeal breakfasts, no suppers, no sugar, and no oil for long. Tonight though, I want to commit to myself that I will consider this goal as important as my goal of graduating with a 4.0 GPA (4 classes away from that!). I would like to dedicate time, persistence, and encouragement to my goal of a healthier me.

I recognize that the biggest struggle is not inside the doors of my refrigerator or the size of my plate. It is within me. When I can learn to be kind to myself and to translate that kindness into health instead of numbing foods, then I shall have unlocked the key to success.