Here We Go Again

Happy Girl's Day to You! my husband beamed at me as he sang, slightly off-key, and handed me a wooden bowl with a tissue on top. I pulled off the tissue and saw two half sandwiches. One, my favourite, was a cheese manaeesh. The other, a cheese/olive/tomato/cucumber sandwich, also a favourite.

I saved them for you! he exclaimed. He'd gone to a meeting scheduled during the supper hour and someone had ordered food for everyone. He didn't feel comfortable eating, so he'd brought his sandwiches home to share with me. 

I smiled at his exuberance and thanked him. Then I took a bite. And another. And another. Until both half sandwiches had vanished and my stomach was satisfied. I looked at the clock. It was 11 pm. 

Three days ago I stepped gingerly onto the scales and looked down. 91.5 kg stared silently back at me. My heart sank. In 6 weeks I'd managed to put on 4 kilos, give or take a few grams. The holiday eating was starting to catch up to me, and, not being able to mitigate it with exercise due to a bad case of plantar fasciitis, I'd found myself in a sugar spiral that was rapidly going to the Land of Oz. Except this land was filled with obese people; myself included. 

I sat down in front of my work laptop and opened up an Excel sheet. You love to reach goals; now set weight loss goals for yourself that are realistic and work towards those, I told myself. I started typing. A few minutes later I printed out the sheet and looked down at it. I was going to lose half a kilo a week until the end of May when my husband graduated. I really really wanted to be able to wear a nice dress on that day. And I really really wanted to be able to take wedding photos in my wedding dress before we moved and I gave it away to a deserving young lady. I had 3 rules for myself.

1. No sugar
2. Portion control
3. 30 minutes of exercise a day

The first day I didn't eat late at night. Score! The next morning I'd dropped 0.7 kilos. I found myself, however, quickly slipping into the mindset I'd had before when I'd seen a drastic weight loss in a day or two, gotten lazy, and ended up right back where I started or even higher. So, to motivate myself, I decided to skip breakfast and dinner on Tuesday and breakfast on Wednesday. I managed it without too much trouble but Wednesday evening found me binge-eating somewhat, assuaging my guilty conscience with the thought that I skipped breakfast, so it's okay if I have some extra calories. 

I finished a bowl of soup, rationalizing that it was low in calories and if I filled up my stomach with good food then it would have less space for the junk food. Then I had a couple spoons of an apple crumble I'd made, no added sugar other than 2 cups of sweetened apple juice, and a tiny cheese sandwich. 

After coming home from the concert that evening, when my husband handed me the sandwiches, I ate them without a second thought. The sandwich with vegetables won't be good tomorrow, I told myself, and I was probably right. However, I could have easily wrapped up the cheese manaeesh for the next day or even frozen it for later. I didn't need the calories and I sure as heck didn't need to be eating at 11 pm at night! 

I grew up with the mindset that you had to finish what was on your plate, it wasn't good to waste food, and you should eat food at its peak, even if you're not hungry. I became a binge-eater most probably in my teens, as a way to cope with the high stress I was facing from constant moves and my parents divorcing. To this day, more than 25 years later, I continue to binge-eat even though I'm not hungry simply because my mind is automatically telling me this is what I need to do. Even when I don't want to. 

I know all the tricks. I know you should stay hydrated so you don't snack as much but I choose not to drink as much as I should because that will take away space in my stomach. I know you can eat a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate and not feel full but if you eat a platter of veggies and hummus or a huge bowl of popcorn then you will feel satiated and you won't want to eat the junk food. So I choose not to prepare the healthier versions because I want to eat the junk food. I need to eat the junk food. It makes me feel happy. I know you shouldn't buy the junk food to begin with, but I am the one putting the chips, sodas, cookies and cake into my shopping cart. I'm the one mixing up the latest batch of apple pie or cookies and popping them into my oven. 

I messed up tonight. Tomorrow the scales will reflect it. But I still have a weekend to redeem myself. With several tests ahead, including eating out at someone's house and Christmas markets. But it's just half a kilo a week. That is manageable. I want to be able to reach a weight loss goal for once in my life. 

I set a goal in my health app. First 4 kilos in the first 8 weeks. If I hit my target every week, I get one chocolate. I had enough gifts of chocolate in the last couple of days to keep me going to my 20 goals!