Brown Pants and Wine Red Shoes

So life happened. Usually in the past, when life happened, weight also happened and I would gain 10 or 15 pounds. Except this time, things were different. This time my heart was content and once I'd learned how to manage all the various eating occasions in a healthy way, I began to see the pounds drop.

My mother told me the other day that we need to learn how to eat healthy because life will always throw us loops. She knows I'm a stress eater and that I reach for the carbs and the sugar and the chocolate when life gets rough. Here, those 3 cardinal sins are entirely too accessible which makes the struggle twice as hard. But I'm learning something. . .when my heart is full my stomach is full also.

Now I eat to satisfy hunger or to enjoy a social event with friends but the need to satisfy a deep ache in my heart has disappeared. Portion control is possible, self-control is possible, and food is something that provides nutrition rather than emotional satisfaction. I didn't know this was possible. I thought I would always struggle with my weight but one thing I am proud to say is that I never gave up struggling. I kept fighting because I still had hope that something could change.

I'm going to be completely transparent and say that while the majority of the time I eat for healthy reasons, there are still occasions when life just gets to be a bit too much and I'm not able to process it with a friend or family member right in that moment. Then I give myself permission to indulge but it's only for a meal or a day. Never for weeks on end like before.

And it's working. I'm losing weight! Everyone notices and encourages me, which is motivation to keep the trend going. My clothes are getting too big and my body is taking on a more natural shape rather than the box-car shape I had before. I feel better about myself and I'm excitedly looking forward to going home in a couple of months and trying on old clothes that I'd packed away not knowing if I'd ever fit into them again.

Nearly a year ago I wrote my last entry on this blog. I was disappointed because my weight had crept up once more to my all-time high that I'd battled several years ago. I made resolutions to live a healthier life but I knew that change was about to enter my life and I worried that trying to cope with a new job, new culture, new friends, and leaving home long-term for the first time would wreak havoc with those resolutions. I had hope but I didn't know if I'd have the capability to carry through.

Now here I am, about to enter 2017, and I am proud to say that I'm accomplishing my goal with God's help. It isn't easy. There are days I want to live on bread and cake and manaeesh and I could, if I wanted, and no one would fault me for it. There are days my body refuses to walk one more step but my mind insists I must reach for the 10,000 step mark. Each day, though, marches by whether or not I make healthy life decisions. So I'm pleased that God has given me the ability to stick to it and I'm excited to see how He continues to help me in the new year.

Raise a Toast

I looked at the Woman rack and realized. . .the smallest size is a 14. I can buy plus-sized clothing and fit it. It was a sad moment for me. Somehow, over the past months, my weight has struggled to stay stable and just recently I stepped on the scale to see that I was a pound away from my all-time high I'd seen several years ago. I resolved to do something about it. . .once I finished the jar of white and milk chocolate swirl spread and the orange jelly candies and the snap pea crisps.

Naturally, that day didn't come. Instead, I found myself peering into the fridge, searching earnestly for my next sugar, carb, or fat fix. I looked to food to console myself and even a number on a scale couldn't frighten me into change. I'd tried, and failed, so many times before that even the thought of eating a single healthy meal seemed too tiring to try.

My father was diagnosed with a lifestyle-related disease this year. He, like us, knows all the reasons why we should exercise and eat healthy. Compared to his siblings, he lives a fairly healthy life and doesn't carry the characteristic 50+ pounds. He is doing well. Except he isn't. The disease will now control his life until and unless he decides to make some significant changes in how he eats. Will he think it's worth it? I hope so, for his sake.

Why is it so easy to absorb knowledge yet so difficult to put it into practice? I can read diet books, lifestyle change articles, and healthy cookbooks all day long but when I reach for something to fill my mouth, I retreat from apples, celery, and carrots. I crave what isn't good for me even as I know that it is killing me.

It is interesting to consider: you can choose what controls your life. It can be unhealthy food, it can be the disease that results from the unhealthy food, or it can be a desire to feed your body and brain with nutritious food that will enhance your life. I often make things too complicated. I want to have a formula of exactly what foods to eat and when so I know I'm living by the rule book and am guaranteed results. I think that ends up letting the food control my life, though.

In this new year, instead of writing in my journal that I plan to lose 30 pounds like I have written for the past 5 years, I want to make a different resolution. I want to resolve to feed my body and brain with foods that will give me life, joy, and peace. Eating unhealthy foods is stressful! I want to know that what I'm eating is providing nutrition instead of introducing disease. I want to enjoy the foods I eat rather than feel sad because I know they aren't healthy. I want to be content that I am honoring God in my choices of what I eat and what I drink.

I don't want to get diabetes, have a heart attack, or have cancer. One health gauge tells me that I have a 29% chance of developing those diseases and more if I don't do something about my health. I want to wear pretty dresses and feel confident and beautiful. I want to swim again. I want to be able to take pictures from any angle and look happy.

Here's to tomorrow and all its possibilities. Here's to health.