1 of 10

Day 1 of 10 days of no sugar. I'm about 9 hours into it, since I slept in this morning, but I can say without a doubt that it is pretty miserable. I was doing fine, until I started cooking this evening and suddenly the rest of the family decided that was their cue to start preparing their supper so we were doing a dance in the small kitchen. Suddenly I felt myself getting angry inside. I kept silent as usually when I'm in a "mood" it is easier if we all stay away from each other. My mom tried to make small talk and my answers were short and curt. I just wanted to finish the cooking and retreat to my safe room. With a plate of cookies. Or a warm baguette with real cheese. Ah the cravings.

I learned a new word the other day. Orthorexia. At first I thought it was a hoax but the National Eating Disorder Association defines it as a "fixation on healthy eating" saying that those who suffer from this "become consumed with what and how much to eat, and how to deal with “slip-ups.”  An iron-clad will is needed to maintain this rigid eating style.  Every day is a chance to eat right, be “good,” rise above others in dietary prowess, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).  Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of orthorexics’ diet and they sometimes feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake." (Taken from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa) There's a list of 8 questions you can self-diagnose with and I found myself checking Yes to 7 of them. It made me sad.

I wish I could enjoy eating without worrying about what I eat. When I lived in South Korea for a summer, I ate what I pleased. Green tea ice lollies, pastries with unidentifiable contents, kimbap and bibimbap (sushi and a veggie/rice/fried egg bowl), white bread with mayonnaise, mini spinach (and the occasional accidental ham) quiches, vegetable stir fry, and lots of brown rice with kimchee (pickled cabbage, hopefully without the shrimp paste). I came home weighing the lowest I had in years even though I was enjoying carbs, refined foods, and sugar.

Then I spent the next 10. . .yes, you heard right, 10. . .years struggling to maintain the weight even as I stepped onto a roller coaster of emotions and fat. I went up nearly 40 pounds, I went down 22, and I teetered everywhere in between. I exercised, restricted refined foods, went on no-sugar diets, counted calories, ate 2 servings of vegetables at every meal, slept 8 hours a night, ate beans, and meticulously charted my weight. The weight that went up and down, up and down, up and down.

I thought I was doing everything right and was frustrated with myself because the results were not forthcoming as quickly as I had planned. I needed to lose 20 pounds for my best friend's wedding, for my master's graduation, for my 35th birthday. As each milestone came closer, I panicked, restricted, and then binged. I didn't know how to plod like the tortoise so instead I found myself sprinting like the hare only to run out of energy about 20 miles down the 100-mile track. I was doing a lot but it wasn't enough. And it wasn't sticking.

You see, if I'm perfectly honest with myself and with you, I wasn't sticking to the plan. Yes, I was careful with my regular meals, but there was a 4th meal at night, after everyone was in bed and the lights were out. That meal consisted of cookies, candy, chips, and ice cream. Or if we had a special treat, I would eat one at lunchtime and then three or four at the 4th meal. I became adept at disguising how much food I was eating and when. I ate healthy, yes, but I also ate unhealthy.

I do want to take a moment to focus on the positive in the midst of confession time. I have eliminated my thyroid medication and I attribute it primarily to a vegan diet. I don't buy Twix or Reese's chocolate at the checkout stand and we no longer stock potato chips and Hansen's sodas on our treat shelf. Right now, the only sugary things in the house are some ice cream and chocolate chips in the freezer and when they're gone, they're gone. The grocery list is jammed full of veggies, wholewheat carbs, and rye crackers.

So why another diet? Two reasons. I watched That Sugar Film recently and read an article about children with metabolic syndrome who were put on a 10-day sugar fast. Both of those are incentive to give it a try. The second reason is that I just cleaned out my cupboard. I have a tendency to put off unpleasant things (am guessing I'm not the only one!) and I've been putting off cleaning out my cupboard for several weeks. When I finally sat down and worked on it, it took me about an hour. I'd wasted many more hours avoiding tackling the task when it could have been done and I could have been enjoying using that closet.

Similarly, I need to tackle the unpleasant task of losing weight. I want to do it in a healthy way so when people ask me how I did it, I won't smile smugly and say "Isagenix" or "Shakeology" or any of those other high-priced programs out there. I want to be able to tell them that it is possible on a limited budget, in a small kitchen, with a busy life, to eat healthy. If I work on it now, instead of spending the next 10 years avoiding the unpleasant task, maybe one day I'll wake up and smile because my body is finally where I want it to be. I sure hope so.

For tonight, I need to figure out how to satisfy the emotional urge to eat. Maybe some tea or a rye cracker will do.