When All is Said and Done

I think it's time to revive this blog. I'm, yes, you guessed it, back on the wagon to weight loss. It seems to be my lifelong story but this time I really want it to stick. Permanently. Which is why I am trying to learn to be kind to myself, to have grown-up boundaries and not eat like a 6 year-old on Halloween night, and at the same time to be patient and understanding. If it took me 25 years to reach this point, I cannot expect my body to return to a normal weight overnight, or even within six months!

Which is extremely difficult for me to do. I'm good at waiting for most things in life. Waiting for the sermon to be over, waiting for my turn at the cash register, waiting behind the tottering lady with the cane and granny cart to make her way down the narrow sidewalk so I can pass. Yet somehow, with weight loss, I expect it to happen magically and instantly. 

Like the snap-your-fingers-its-done society we live in today.

I found myself mindlessly scrolling through YouTube shorts the other day, more than slightly irritated at the fact that they were now 3 minutes long instead of the 60-second limit they were before. Unlike my husband, who had no qualms flicking through short after short, barely waiting for the reel to start before swiping up to the next one, I felt obliged to watch every reel until the end, almost as if the creator were peering over my shoulder, making sure I did so. My attention span now had to triple and I had no patience for that. Just like I had no patience with this agonizingly slow process I was going through.

I started this new phase of my weight-loss journey back in October. The end of October, to be precise. There were a lot of ups and downs, not just emotionally but also reflected on the scales. Yet I'd started to see a downward trend and that was super encouraging for me. 

Until this week. 

"My stomach is empty but I don't want to eat a meal now and have to stay up several more hours for it to digest," I complained in the family group chat around 10 pm at night. My mom suggested keeping it empty to sleep better, using the power of the mind over hunger pains to manage until morning when I could eat again. My sister suggested a handful of nuts or fruit to tide me over. Even ChatGPT got in on the advice-party, recommending yogurt or hummus for an easily-digestible snack. 

I rummaged about in the fridge and found boiled beets. After snacking on 1 1/2 medium sized beets, my stomach was no longer grumbling and I went to bed feeling justified in my choice of healthy food. The next morning reflected my virtuous choice—I had finally dropped out of the obese BMI category into the overweight category! I was overjoyed!!! Granted, I had lost 0.8 kilos overnight because all my stomach had to process was a cup of produce, but I was elated. After slogging away for 3 months, I had finally reached the first major goal. I told my aunt; I told my husband. I was waiting to tell the rest of my family and friends until they saw me in a few months' time.

The next day my weight went up. 

And the day after.

By Friday, at the end of a very tedious Turkish class, I was ready to call it quits. I hurried home and, after doing the weekly produce shop at the nearby fruits and vegetables bazaar, hauled my granny cart up two flights of stairs, parked it in the hallway, and headed to the kitchen for my well-deserved snack. I reached for the light blue-lidded plastic container on top of the fridge and popped it open. I moved the cookies aside until I found the largest one and then headed for the lounge where I sat down in relief. A few moments later I was savouring my homemade snickerdoodle as the sugar rushed to my brain for some extra stress-relieving endorphins. 

I'd done it. I'd made it through another week without sugar and I could now enjoy my sugary treat.

The treat didn't end there. Over the next 24 hours I had another cookie, a large Snickers bar, an entire bar of white chocolate and an entire bar of Dubai chocolate. About 2,000 calories in total. 

And the weight went up. 

I was now a kilo up from my lowest weight. My BMI had jumped from 29.9 to 30.2 in a matter of 3 days. I felt lousy, my appetite was gone, ironically I didn't even find myself craving chocolate, and I hated my choices. I knew logically that even 2,000 calories of chocolate and cookies could be balanced with calorie-dense foods such as spinach and mushroom stir fry and still not push me over the edge weight-wise, but my brain was refusing to listen to logic. 

I hated myself.

Instead of praising myself for the 3+ months I had diligently exercised and started shifting my eating habits to more healthy ones, I chose to focus on the 24 hours of sugar binge-eating I had indulged in. Instead of being proud of the 4 kilos I had lost, I beat myself up over the 1 kilo I had found again. albeit it was most likely from a late-night meal the night before.

And I realized, in that moment, that weight loss was a whole lot more than the food you put in your mouth. Weight loss started in the mind, not the stomach, not the mouth, not even in the refrigerator or cupboards. It started with a positive mindset that refused to be discouraged by little setbacks or minor challenges. It started with a mindset that was committed to the long-haul, okay with the occasional Snickers bar or even the occasional 2,000 calorie binge, but able to see beyond that to the long-term healthy lifestyle that was slowly being sculpted out of the daily choices to be healthy. 

I had lost 2 inches around my weight. My pants were getting loose; I was down 1 belt notch on my belt. I felt lighter, my face looked smaller, and my husband was regularly remarking that I looked pretty. I no longer suffered from heartburn, I knew what it felt like to have an empty stomach, and my cravings had disappeared. 

I knew I still had a long way to go, as I planned to lose another 16 kilos to reach a normal weight, but I was confident I could do it. After all, time was going to pass by anyway, so why not do something about it while time was passing? Even if it was a very slow process, I would much prefer to see the weight on the scales dropping slowly, rather than incrementally increasing. 

And so I picked my chocolate-drunk self back up off the floor of defeat, dusted off the cinnamon-flecked snickerdoodle flour from my face, and decided that I would give it another go. It was time for a 3 minute short. 

Here We Go Again

Happy Girl's Day to You! my husband beamed at me as he sang, slightly off-key, and handed me a wooden bowl with a tissue on top. I pulled off the tissue and saw two half sandwiches. One, my favourite, was a cheese manaeesh. The other, a cheese/olive/tomato/cucumber sandwich, also a favourite.

I saved them for you! he exclaimed. He'd gone to a meeting scheduled during the supper hour and someone had ordered food for everyone. He didn't feel comfortable eating, so he'd brought his sandwiches home to share with me. 

I smiled at his exuberance and thanked him. Then I took a bite. And another. And another. Until both half sandwiches had vanished and my stomach was satisfied. I looked at the clock. It was 11 pm. 

Three days ago I stepped gingerly onto the scales and looked down. 91.5 kg stared silently back at me. My heart sank. In 6 weeks I'd managed to put on 4 kilos, give or take a few grams. The holiday eating was starting to catch up to me, and, not being able to mitigate it with exercise due to a bad case of plantar fasciitis, I'd found myself in a sugar spiral that was rapidly going to the Land of Oz. Except this land was filled with obese people; myself included. 

I sat down in front of my work laptop and opened up an Excel sheet. You love to reach goals; now set weight loss goals for yourself that are realistic and work towards those, I told myself. I started typing. A few minutes later I printed out the sheet and looked down at it. I was going to lose half a kilo a week until the end of May when my husband graduated. I really really wanted to be able to wear a nice dress on that day. And I really really wanted to be able to take wedding photos in my wedding dress before we moved and I gave it away to a deserving young lady. I had 3 rules for myself.

1. No sugar
2. Portion control
3. 30 minutes of exercise a day

The first day I didn't eat late at night. Score! The next morning I'd dropped 0.7 kilos. I found myself, however, quickly slipping into the mindset I'd had before when I'd seen a drastic weight loss in a day or two, gotten lazy, and ended up right back where I started or even higher. So, to motivate myself, I decided to skip breakfast and dinner on Tuesday and breakfast on Wednesday. I managed it without too much trouble but Wednesday evening found me binge-eating somewhat, assuaging my guilty conscience with the thought that I skipped breakfast, so it's okay if I have some extra calories. 

I finished a bowl of soup, rationalizing that it was low in calories and if I filled up my stomach with good food then it would have less space for the junk food. Then I had a couple spoons of an apple crumble I'd made, no added sugar other than 2 cups of sweetened apple juice, and a tiny cheese sandwich. 

After coming home from the concert that evening, when my husband handed me the sandwiches, I ate them without a second thought. The sandwich with vegetables won't be good tomorrow, I told myself, and I was probably right. However, I could have easily wrapped up the cheese manaeesh for the next day or even frozen it for later. I didn't need the calories and I sure as heck didn't need to be eating at 11 pm at night! 

I grew up with the mindset that you had to finish what was on your plate, it wasn't good to waste food, and you should eat food at its peak, even if you're not hungry. I became a binge-eater most probably in my teens, as a way to cope with the high stress I was facing from constant moves and my parents divorcing. To this day, more than 25 years later, I continue to binge-eat even though I'm not hungry simply because my mind is automatically telling me this is what I need to do. Even when I don't want to. 

I know all the tricks. I know you should stay hydrated so you don't snack as much but I choose not to drink as much as I should because that will take away space in my stomach. I know you can eat a bag of crisps and a bar of chocolate and not feel full but if you eat a platter of veggies and hummus or a huge bowl of popcorn then you will feel satiated and you won't want to eat the junk food. So I choose not to prepare the healthier versions because I want to eat the junk food. I need to eat the junk food. It makes me feel happy. I know you shouldn't buy the junk food to begin with, but I am the one putting the chips, sodas, cookies and cake into my shopping cart. I'm the one mixing up the latest batch of apple pie or cookies and popping them into my oven. 

I messed up tonight. Tomorrow the scales will reflect it. But I still have a weekend to redeem myself. With several tests ahead, including eating out at someone's house and Christmas markets. But it's just half a kilo a week. That is manageable. I want to be able to reach a weight loss goal for once in my life. 

I set a goal in my health app. First 4 kilos in the first 8 weeks. If I hit my target every week, I get one chocolate. I had enough gifts of chocolate in the last couple of days to keep me going to my 20 goals!

Vegan Banh Mi

1 carrot
rice vinegar
1/3 cup sugar
1 onion
oil
1/2 block extra firm tofu in slices
4 tbsp soy sauce
dash chili powder
1 tbsp sugar
cilantro
mayonnaise
long slices of cucumber
1 small white baguette
salt to taste

Peel shavings of the carrot into a bowl and soak in rice vinegar and 1/3 cup sugar. Meanwhile, fry thin onion rings in oil til soft, then add slices of tofu. In a small box, mix 4 tbsp soy sauce, dash chili powder, 1 tbsp sugar and then pour over the tofu and fry, flipping over regularly, until the sauce has been soaked up.

Cut open the baguette, peel out the soft bread from one side, then liberally spread mayonnaise on the other side. Layer tofu slices with some of the onion, pickled carrot shavings, long slices of cucumber, a generous serving of cilantro leaves, and salt to taste.

Brown Pants and Wine Red Shoes

So life happened. Usually in the past, when life happened, weight also happened and I would gain 10 or 15 pounds. Except this time, things were different. This time my heart was content and once I'd learned how to manage all the various eating occasions in a healthy way, I began to see the pounds drop.

My mother told me the other day that we need to learn how to eat healthy because life will always throw us loops. She knows I'm a stress eater and that I reach for the carbs and the sugar and the chocolate when life gets rough. Here, those 3 cardinal sins are entirely too accessible which makes the struggle twice as hard. But I'm learning something. . .when my heart is full my stomach is full also.

Now I eat to satisfy hunger or to enjoy a social event with friends but the need to satisfy a deep ache in my heart has disappeared. Portion control is possible, self-control is possible, and food is something that provides nutrition rather than emotional satisfaction. I didn't know this was possible. I thought I would always struggle with my weight but one thing I am proud to say is that I never gave up struggling. I kept fighting because I still had hope that something could change.

I'm going to be completely transparent and say that while the majority of the time I eat for healthy reasons, there are still occasions when life just gets to be a bit too much and I'm not able to process it with a friend or family member right in that moment. Then I give myself permission to indulge but it's only for a meal or a day. Never for weeks on end like before.

And it's working. I'm losing weight! Everyone notices and encourages me, which is motivation to keep the trend going. My clothes are getting too big and my body is taking on a more natural shape rather than the box-car shape I had before. I feel better about myself and I'm excitedly looking forward to going home in a couple of months and trying on old clothes that I'd packed away not knowing if I'd ever fit into them again.

Nearly a year ago I wrote my last entry on this blog. I was disappointed because my weight had crept up once more to my all-time high that I'd battled several years ago. I made resolutions to live a healthier life but I knew that change was about to enter my life and I worried that trying to cope with a new job, new culture, new friends, and leaving home long-term for the first time would wreak havoc with those resolutions. I had hope but I didn't know if I'd have the capability to carry through.

Now here I am, about to enter 2017, and I am proud to say that I'm accomplishing my goal with God's help. It isn't easy. There are days I want to live on bread and cake and manaeesh and I could, if I wanted, and no one would fault me for it. There are days my body refuses to walk one more step but my mind insists I must reach for the 10,000 step mark. Each day, though, marches by whether or not I make healthy life decisions. So I'm pleased that God has given me the ability to stick to it and I'm excited to see how He continues to help me in the new year.

Raise a Toast

I looked at the Woman rack and realized. . .the smallest size is a 14. I can buy plus-sized clothing and fit it. It was a sad moment for me. Somehow, over the past months, my weight has struggled to stay stable and just recently I stepped on the scale to see that I was a pound away from my all-time high I'd seen several years ago. I resolved to do something about it. . .once I finished the jar of white and milk chocolate swirl spread and the orange jelly candies and the snap pea crisps.

Naturally, that day didn't come. Instead, I found myself peering into the fridge, searching earnestly for my next sugar, carb, or fat fix. I looked to food to console myself and even a number on a scale couldn't frighten me into change. I'd tried, and failed, so many times before that even the thought of eating a single healthy meal seemed too tiring to try.

My father was diagnosed with a lifestyle-related disease this year. He, like us, knows all the reasons why we should exercise and eat healthy. Compared to his siblings, he lives a fairly healthy life and doesn't carry the characteristic 50+ pounds. He is doing well. Except he isn't. The disease will now control his life until and unless he decides to make some significant changes in how he eats. Will he think it's worth it? I hope so, for his sake.

Why is it so easy to absorb knowledge yet so difficult to put it into practice? I can read diet books, lifestyle change articles, and healthy cookbooks all day long but when I reach for something to fill my mouth, I retreat from apples, celery, and carrots. I crave what isn't good for me even as I know that it is killing me.

It is interesting to consider: you can choose what controls your life. It can be unhealthy food, it can be the disease that results from the unhealthy food, or it can be a desire to feed your body and brain with nutritious food that will enhance your life. I often make things too complicated. I want to have a formula of exactly what foods to eat and when so I know I'm living by the rule book and am guaranteed results. I think that ends up letting the food control my life, though.

In this new year, instead of writing in my journal that I plan to lose 30 pounds like I have written for the past 5 years, I want to make a different resolution. I want to resolve to feed my body and brain with foods that will give me life, joy, and peace. Eating unhealthy foods is stressful! I want to know that what I'm eating is providing nutrition instead of introducing disease. I want to enjoy the foods I eat rather than feel sad because I know they aren't healthy. I want to be content that I am honoring God in my choices of what I eat and what I drink.

I don't want to get diabetes, have a heart attack, or have cancer. One health gauge tells me that I have a 29% chance of developing those diseases and more if I don't do something about my health. I want to wear pretty dresses and feel confident and beautiful. I want to swim again. I want to be able to take pictures from any angle and look happy.

Here's to tomorrow and all its possibilities. Here's to health.

Day 4

Headache is gone, thank goodness! I'm eating a lot of almonds & mandarins. Probably should cut down on the almonds :) as they are high calorie. But it's better to eat almonds than chocolate chip cookies! If I eat beans for breakfast and lunch, it keeps me full longer. I'm finding my cravings are minimal and my feeling of satiety comes quicker and lasts longer. When I was binging on sugars and processed carbs, I would have an intense feeling of hunger before eating and would wolf down my food so my stomach wouldn't hurt. Now I'm learning to eat for the sake of eating a meal, not out of desperation.

Day 3

Today I woke up with a headache. I did a bit of research online and found out sugar withdrawals can give a person a headache. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. Still a bit cranky and tired too. I'm happy to say I made it through day 3 without reaching for sugar. It's mandarin season so I make sure to eat at least two a day and that keeps my hollow sugary tooth satisfied!