Time Out

Like countless others, I've been struggling with my weight for several years now. Sometimes I think the struggle is more in my mind, but of course that translates to inhaling thousands of calories where there should only be hundreds. I'm not sure exactly what happened, as pounds packed on in a rapid amount of time and then absolutely refused to disappear. Like countless others, I have tried countless diets and "change of lifestyles" with different types of exercise. Yet nothing seems to work, neither to make a significant enough impact that I feel energized to continue doing it. I could blame my genes, my underactive thyroid, my stress level, or my hectic lifestyle. Blaming won't help much, though.

What is the magic key? Is there one? There are a multitude of books available that will tell you to change something: your lifestyle, your type of exercise, your negative self-talk, your perception of yourself, your environment, your stress level, your way of eating, your source of support. Yet to wade through all the material and know exactly which one to adopt, or to try to do everything, seems to be impossible. I'm a die-hard optimistic and am always trying something new. On the other hand, I am starting to feel like the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, as Albert Einstein so aptly put it.

I think one piece of the puzzle is one I hadn't fully comprehended until my summer vacation this year. I set off mid-May, fully intending to spend most of my time reading and writing and rejuvenating. I found myself well into the three weeks of holiday, realizing that I would only have about three days where I didn't have something already planned. Every day was busily booked with traveling, shopping, spending time with family and friends, and business. And yet, in the midst of all this hubbub, I did find some time for me. I had hours of time to read and worked through about 10 books. I started (and finished!) a cross-stitch I'd kept in my arts and crafts drawer for several years. I slept in most mornings till after 10 am (most of the time I had a hard time getting to sleep at night, with jet lag and narrow hard European beds!). I stood on the balcony in the cool night air and looked at the town of Apeldoorn with its bits of street lights keeping the dark awake. I sat in my mother's best friend's garden in the early summer sun, unusually hot for that time of year. I journalled and blogged and wrote long epistles to my family, finding the humour in my experiences.

What I'm trying to say is that I spent time on me and it was time well deserved. As I settle back into the usual routine of life, work and all that, I remember those moments and I want to grasp as many of them as I can. Today I invested time in cleaning up my tiny studio apartment, washing my dishes and cleaning my bathroom and tidying up so that I have a deep peace of mind as I look around my place. I'm pleased that I was able to accomplish so much and I did it all for me (and in case anyone stops by!).

I've always heard that you should lose weight for yourself, but struggled to understand that fully until now. I think maybe, after all, it's okay to stop and take time for me. To set aside time in the morning so I can prepare a healthy breakfast. To be conscious of what I'm eating for supper instead of zoning out while I watch TV. To invest in exercise and embrace the adrenaline that only comes after several rounds of walking or a couple of miles with Leslie Sansone.

The next part of the journey is understanding what it means and putting it into practice.