Day 4

Headache is gone, thank goodness! I'm eating a lot of almonds & mandarins. Probably should cut down on the almonds :) as they are high calorie. But it's better to eat almonds than chocolate chip cookies! If I eat beans for breakfast and lunch, it keeps me full longer. I'm finding my cravings are minimal and my feeling of satiety comes quicker and lasts longer. When I was binging on sugars and processed carbs, I would have an intense feeling of hunger before eating and would wolf down my food so my stomach wouldn't hurt. Now I'm learning to eat for the sake of eating a meal, not out of desperation.

Day 3

Today I woke up with a headache. I did a bit of research online and found out sugar withdrawals can give a person a headache. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. Still a bit cranky and tired too. I'm happy to say I made it through day 3 without reaching for sugar. It's mandarin season so I make sure to eat at least two a day and that keeps my hollow sugary tooth satisfied!

Pressing On

Day 2 of no sugar. It hasn't been too difficult. I keep reminding myself that I can eat anything I want as long as it doesn't have sugar in it. Which can be rather restrictive if you're used to eating processed foods.

For breakfast I had wholewheat couscous with chickpeas and marinated artichoke hearts and then two mandarins. Lunch was leftover curry and rice, with some almonds for dessert. Supper was a can of lentil soup, two slices of bread thinly spread with vegenaise and with cucumber, and a small bowl of grapes. I had some more almonds and a mandarin for a mid-afternoon snack since lunch wasn't very filling.

It's just 10 days, right? I have a headache, it started mid-afternoon. I wonder if it's related to the no-sugar intake. Still somewhat irritable.

But I'm proud of myself because I had a whole bowl of peppermint patties on my desk all day and didn't eat a single one.

Sure hope this thing works with the weight loss. Off to bed so I can get up and walk for 30 minutes. I know, weight loss requires a minimum of 60-90 minutes of exercise a day. But I walk 30 minutes in the morning, and then 7 minutes to and from work 4 times a day which adds up to another 28 minutes. Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out how to use a vivofit and see if that helps me up the miles during the day.

1 of 10

Day 1 of 10 days of no sugar. I'm about 9 hours into it, since I slept in this morning, but I can say without a doubt that it is pretty miserable. I was doing fine, until I started cooking this evening and suddenly the rest of the family decided that was their cue to start preparing their supper so we were doing a dance in the small kitchen. Suddenly I felt myself getting angry inside. I kept silent as usually when I'm in a "mood" it is easier if we all stay away from each other. My mom tried to make small talk and my answers were short and curt. I just wanted to finish the cooking and retreat to my safe room. With a plate of cookies. Or a warm baguette with real cheese. Ah the cravings.

I learned a new word the other day. Orthorexia. At first I thought it was a hoax but the National Eating Disorder Association defines it as a "fixation on healthy eating" saying that those who suffer from this "become consumed with what and how much to eat, and how to deal with “slip-ups.”  An iron-clad will is needed to maintain this rigid eating style.  Every day is a chance to eat right, be “good,” rise above others in dietary prowess, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).  Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of orthorexics’ diet and they sometimes feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake." (Taken from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa) There's a list of 8 questions you can self-diagnose with and I found myself checking Yes to 7 of them. It made me sad.

I wish I could enjoy eating without worrying about what I eat. When I lived in South Korea for a summer, I ate what I pleased. Green tea ice lollies, pastries with unidentifiable contents, kimbap and bibimbap (sushi and a veggie/rice/fried egg bowl), white bread with mayonnaise, mini spinach (and the occasional accidental ham) quiches, vegetable stir fry, and lots of brown rice with kimchee (pickled cabbage, hopefully without the shrimp paste). I came home weighing the lowest I had in years even though I was enjoying carbs, refined foods, and sugar.

Then I spent the next 10. . .yes, you heard right, 10. . .years struggling to maintain the weight even as I stepped onto a roller coaster of emotions and fat. I went up nearly 40 pounds, I went down 22, and I teetered everywhere in between. I exercised, restricted refined foods, went on no-sugar diets, counted calories, ate 2 servings of vegetables at every meal, slept 8 hours a night, ate beans, and meticulously charted my weight. The weight that went up and down, up and down, up and down.

I thought I was doing everything right and was frustrated with myself because the results were not forthcoming as quickly as I had planned. I needed to lose 20 pounds for my best friend's wedding, for my master's graduation, for my 35th birthday. As each milestone came closer, I panicked, restricted, and then binged. I didn't know how to plod like the tortoise so instead I found myself sprinting like the hare only to run out of energy about 20 miles down the 100-mile track. I was doing a lot but it wasn't enough. And it wasn't sticking.

You see, if I'm perfectly honest with myself and with you, I wasn't sticking to the plan. Yes, I was careful with my regular meals, but there was a 4th meal at night, after everyone was in bed and the lights were out. That meal consisted of cookies, candy, chips, and ice cream. Or if we had a special treat, I would eat one at lunchtime and then three or four at the 4th meal. I became adept at disguising how much food I was eating and when. I ate healthy, yes, but I also ate unhealthy.

I do want to take a moment to focus on the positive in the midst of confession time. I have eliminated my thyroid medication and I attribute it primarily to a vegan diet. I don't buy Twix or Reese's chocolate at the checkout stand and we no longer stock potato chips and Hansen's sodas on our treat shelf. Right now, the only sugary things in the house are some ice cream and chocolate chips in the freezer and when they're gone, they're gone. The grocery list is jammed full of veggies, wholewheat carbs, and rye crackers.

So why another diet? Two reasons. I watched That Sugar Film recently and read an article about children with metabolic syndrome who were put on a 10-day sugar fast. Both of those are incentive to give it a try. The second reason is that I just cleaned out my cupboard. I have a tendency to put off unpleasant things (am guessing I'm not the only one!) and I've been putting off cleaning out my cupboard for several weeks. When I finally sat down and worked on it, it took me about an hour. I'd wasted many more hours avoiding tackling the task when it could have been done and I could have been enjoying using that closet.

Similarly, I need to tackle the unpleasant task of losing weight. I want to do it in a healthy way so when people ask me how I did it, I won't smile smugly and say "Isagenix" or "Shakeology" or any of those other high-priced programs out there. I want to be able to tell them that it is possible on a limited budget, in a small kitchen, with a busy life, to eat healthy. If I work on it now, instead of spending the next 10 years avoiding the unpleasant task, maybe one day I'll wake up and smile because my body is finally where I want it to be. I sure hope so.

For tonight, I need to figure out how to satisfy the emotional urge to eat. Maybe some tea or a rye cracker will do.

The Seesaw of Life

The weight goes up; the weight goes down. Eating out sabotages my efforts; eating in gives me free rein to snack and nibble. Tonight I was hungry. I'd had my usual soy yoghurt with ground flaxmeal and wholewheat cinnamon roll for breakfast, a plate of brown jasmine rice with collard greens and a tofu/spinach scramble for lunch along with a piece of fudge for dessert, and for supper a gluten-free burrito with half a tomato and a hearty serving of stir-fry. Everything was tasty but I didn't feel full. I'm used to feeling stuffed.

So I ate some more. I had two mini cracker snack packs, half a pawpaw, and a wholewheat pita bread with half an avocado and fresh mint leaves. Then I was happy. I think I need that feeling of satiety that comes from eating something with fat in it, which I was missing for supper.

At first I was upset with myself for eating so much for supper. Then I thought about it logically. I was low on the calorie-end of things so it was okay to eat a little more. The extra part of my supper was primarily composed of healthy foods (whole grains, herbs, fruit). I did great overall today with my general intake of food.

So instead of being upset with myself, I choose to be happy that I'm on the path to healthier food choices! I think it helps that I've chosen not to purchase snack foods so I don't have those to fall back on when I am feeling like eating for emotional reasons. My snack packs now consist of healthy trail mix instead of Twix bars. Wahoo!!! I think maybe. . .it's finally starting to click.

Oh, side note, I watched That Sugar Film yesterday. After I've finished eating the yoghurts I bought cheap at Grocery Outlet, I'm going to cut down my sugar intake. I think that also leads to a feeling to not being full.

Eat This, Not That

I went shopping on Sunday for convenience foods. It went against my frugal "religion" yet I knew I had to try it out to see if it would help me in eating healthier. My biggest excuse in not eating healthy is that it takes too much time and I don't have that much time. In reality, if I spent an hour less on Facebook every day, I could use it to prep grab-and-go meals for the next day, but it's my escape mechanism for now. Hence, to prevent food from being an escape mechanism also, I decided to invest some of my hard-earned $ into buying packaged foods.

I grew up in a household where cakes were lovingly created from flour, sugar, eggs, milk, and fresh fruits (unless we bought one from the local bakery). We did not know that things such as cake mixes existed and when a college friend asked if I'd like to bake a cake for our choir director and she showed up at my house the next day with a cardboard box, I looked curiously at her, wondering how that was supposed to produce a cake. Miraculously, it did, but to this day I bake from scratch. It shows care for the other person and saves money too.

In addition to baking, we ate simple foods. My  mother wasn't too keen on cooking, so when we left Africa and our house-boy/personal chef behind, she prepared meals that didn't require too much effort yet still provided growing children with nutrition. A familiar staple was boiled green beans and potatoes with a brown gravy and applesauce. Or we'd have macaroni and tomato sauce or rice and yellow lentils. One or two ingredient meals that filled our bellies.

As a teenager, I learned to cook for my nutrition class in homeschool and quickly found I enjoyed it. My mother happily handed over the apron and cutting board and I began to experiment with food. My younger brother's food allergies challenged me to create tasty substitutes, such as beet sauce for spaghetti (not a hit), and taught me sensitivity to people with different dietary needs. My diverse ethnic heritage provided me with an abundance of cuisines to draw from and I became adept at reproducing favourite dishes. Tabbouleh joined koushari, samosas, fresh rolls, bryani, garlic baby bok choy, trifle, and more on our family table.

Then life happened, I was working, and I had less time or interest in preparing fun foods. Now I grabbed the easy carbs, mostly bread, added a thick layer of fat, mostly vegenaise or margarine, and my meals were ready. There were fewer fruit-rich grain breakfasts and stir-fry veggie-heavy dinners. I needed comfort foods instead of finding comfort in preparing the foods.

So, while I recognized my life's trend had changed, I also knew I had to be proactive about being healthy in this stage of life. This was why I found myself wandering Costco, Whole Foods, and Trader Joe's aisles in search of foods that would provide the nutrition my body craved in the speed of time my mind demanded. I cringed as I paid $39 for gluten-free burritos but then reminded myself that it was two week's worth and it was cheaper than a diet plan.

I headed home with staples and new foods, some which have been a success and others which have failed. Unsweetened almond milk from Grocery Outlet: fail. It was too thick which made me think it had gone off (it hasn't, but I'm not convinced, so it's sitting in the fridge, waiting to go bad.) Amy's Kitchen Lentil soup (low sodium): win. Huge win. It comes in a non-BPA lined can, is just 180 calories, and the lentils are nice and soft (not crunchy like some soups are). I bought a box of soups at Costco and it cost me a little under $1.50 per can. With a side salad or a veggie stir-fry (both can be bought as convenience foods also), it's a perfect supper that fills me up and is heavy on the recommended healthy carbs and veggies.

Interestingly enough, I'm finding now that I have time to dedicate to food prep after all. I grind flaxseed meal to add to my soy yogurt in the morning (it keeps my blood sugar level for at least 4 hours). I chop up veggies for a quick salad. I make fresh rolls for a light meal. Even though it was hard to shell out money for foods I could make but wasn't, I think it was a wise decision. It helped push me in a positive food choice direction and gave me support so when I was hungry, I could grab a tasty burrito instead of a handful of chips.

I was reading old diary entries from 2009. I'd carefully chronicled each meal for about a month, most of them consisting of cookies, cheese sticks, white bread, vegenaise, and the occasional vegetable here and there. There had been some weight loss but it fluctuated madly and made me frustrated. I was convinced, though, that since I was counting calories I would lose weight. Now, 6 years later, I'm at the same weight I was then and, according to my patient CalorieCount weight log, have seen that weight and gone up and down in about a 16-pound range. It isn't a healthy way to live. In 2009, I was so excited. I was going to lose a pound a week and in 31 weeks, just in time for my 30th birthday, I was going to reach my target goal: the top range for my height. Sadly, I never saw that number.

I'm not going to say that this time I shall be successful. I've found that when I loudly proclaim that in the past, I've fallen the heaviest on my face. I am going to say that this time I want to persist, I want to do all I can to support my effort, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to focus on my health. I believe God wants me to have a healthy body and I believe He will give me the support I need if I ask Him for it. I also recognize that it isn't a simple or easy process. It's kind of like life. There are things I need to change in myself to be a better person and it isn't easy to do so. I need to be kinder and less impatient. This is something I may have to work on my whole life. So I want to humbly ask God for help, both to be kind and to be healthy, and together work on achieving that goal.

Here's to health.

Of Chickpeas and Voices

Trying to live healthy. A hummus-cucumber sandwich for breakfast, whole-wheat pasta with chickpea alfredo-type sauce and steamed broccoli for lunch with a cookie for dessert, a large salad with olives/sunflower seeds/corn for supper. No snacks, plenty of water. Tomorrow I will wake up early enough to exercise.

In all honesty, I'm tired (not enough sleep over the weekend) and grumpy because I want to eat carbs in the evening. I want bread. If I could eat bread three times a day I would be happy. My mom would tell me that means I'm addicted to carbs. Maybe I am, or maybe it's just that they fill my stomach and keep it from grumbling and making me feel horrible whenever I try to eat healthier.

I think this is the hardest part of it all--of healthy living. It's getting past the voice in my head that says, "You're miserable, this could end very quickly if you exercised your free will and buttered up a slice of bread with lots of jam or put a slice of your favourite vegan cheese on a sandwich with lots of vegenaise. You deserve it. . ." The voice that calls for longevity, fitting into my skirts and pants and cute dresses again, feeling good about myself, and knowing I'm doing the right thing? That voice is the softest of whispers right now. . .